AcousticByLines Quotes, Jokes, Stories

Quotes, Jokes, Stories

Please don't read these pages if you are easily offended.

Actual Clippings from Church Bulletins

Bad Band Names

Bumper Stickers

Butchered Bluegrass Song Titles and Lyrics

Country Song Titles

Data Communications Glossary

Didja Know That

Excerpts From Student Compositions

Failed Band Slogans

Glen Campbell Arrested

Haikus for Instrumentalists

Hamlet's Cat's Soliloquy

Hymns

Jewish Country and Western Songs

Jokes From Isaac Asimov

Mergers and Acquisitions

Modern Medicine

'Mom' Rock Bands

Music and Personality

Music Art

Music Math

Musical Glossary

Musical Marriages

Musical Styles

Name That Tune

Nursery Rhymes

Obfuscated Chords

Old-Time Tune Names

Pop's Wisdom

Questions and Answers

Redneck Church Music

Rules for Bands

Rules for Ensemble Playing

Sample Music Contract

A Selection of Carols for our Dysfunctional Friends

Shaggy Dog Punchlines

Songs for Those of Us Who are Getting Older

Study in Perception

The Ten Commandments of Bass

Things Every Fan Should Know

Things to Think About

Things You'd Love to Say at a Jam, But Shouldn't

Things You Would Never Hear a Real Texan Say

Topfive.com's Top 16 Signs Your Band Will Never Hit the Big Time

The Top 10 Hanukkah Songs

The Top 10 Signs Your Bluegrass Band is About to Break Up

Translation Guide to a Recording Session

Van Gogh's Family Tree

Virus Warning

Wordplay

You Know You're a Real Musician When ...

You Might Be Too Old to Gig, If ...

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Actual Clippings from Church Bulletins

  • Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation
  • Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
  • The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."
  • A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
  • At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
  • Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
  • The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
  • This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
  • The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

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Bumper Stickers

  • What if the Hokey Pokey IS what it's all about?
  • You're following the bass ... just like everybody else — contributed by Brian Keller
  • Musician at work (Stand in awe) — contributed by Bob Cooke
  • "Favorite bumper sticker spotted in Telluride: 'Paddle faster, I hear banjos'." — Warren Epstein, "Diverse bluegrass entranced Telluride" The [Colorado Springs] Gazette, Jun 29, 2007

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Bad Band Names

  • Never Been Rocked
  • The Rolling Kidney Stones
  • Sons of WHAM
  • Watermelanoma
  • THREE PIECE AND A BISCUIT
  • The Seven Deadly Synths
  • Wilde Oscar
  • Steel Venom
  • DARN CAPS LOCK
  • Comatoast
  • Shhhhhh
  • Travioli
  • Gig Cancelled
  • The Van Damned
  • Lost and Profound
  • STYNX
  • When Nostrils Flare
  • Hands in the Pudding
  • Liquid Bagel
  • Reigning Katzendawgs
  • Rockenshpiel
  • JUAN IN A MILLION
  • TOXIC HASTE
  • Tune Raider
  • My Cat Named Our Band
  • Yeti Yeti Who's Got The Yeti
  • The Mountain Dudes
  • Not Without My Goat
  • Band Before Time
  • Band of Botherers
  • unitooth
  • Forecast: Loud
  • nICE sCREAM
  • Un-Called 4
  • The Flaming Moths
  • Wonton Destruction
  • The Bakers Doesn't
  • Testosteroni
  • Odorant
  • FREE BEER
  • Gaseous Cassius
  • Throatmeal
  • RadiHater
  • Moisturised Sound
  • Meat the Cleavers
  • Deleted Login Profile
  • Pancake Remix
  • Stranger than Friction
  • Copathetic
    — contributed by Founders: Bands, Singers, Songwriters, Solo Performers, Sidemen, Instrumentalists, Performers, Entertainers, Musicians, Places to Hear Acoustic Music, Locations, Venues, Clubs, Festivals, Business and Services Supporting Acoustic Music, Music Stores, Musical Instruments, Music Teachers Duane Webster Duane Webster: Bands, Singers, Songwriters, Solo Performers, Sidemen, Instrumentalists, Performers, Entertainers, Musicians

    more:
  • Under New Management
  • Lotsa Loosers
  • Closed For Private Party

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Butchered Song Titles and Lyrics

These are known as "mondegreens", from the Scottish folk ballad "The Bonnie Earl of Moray", in which the lines "They have slain the Earl of Moray / And laid him on the green" were misunderstood to be "They have slain the Lord Amurray / And Lady Mondegreen". — from Steven D. Price in Smithsonian, Feb. 2001

And, from the same Smithsonian: Thelonius Monk is "the loneliest monk". from Paul A. Peeples

  1. Your Shellfish Heart (the bluegrass mermaid song)
  2. I'm Just a Used T.V. to You
  3. Big Spike Hairdo
  4. Black Hairy Possum
  5. Drifting too Far from the Chord
  6. Little Booger Boy
  7. To be With My Collie Alone
  8. Is it True that I Flossed You? (the bluegrass dentistry song)
  9. I'm Working on a Blister ... on my Lip, on my Lip
  10. Just a little Chocolate Jesus
  11. Don't Be Flat
  12. Since she put me down there's been owls puking in my bed
  13. You pickied a fine time to leave me, Lucille, with 4 hundred children that crapped in the field
  14. The ants are my friends (Dylan classic)
  15. The Girl With Colitis Goes By (Beatles classic)
  16. The Happy Enchilada song (Prine classic)
  17. S'cuse me, while I kiss this guy (Hendrix classic)
  18. There's a Bathroom on the Right (Creedence classic)
  19. Ain't no woman like the One Eyed Gott — contributed by Dan Dalton
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Country Song Titles
  1. Ain't No Trash Been in My Trailer Since the Night I Threw You Out
  2. All the Girls Get Prettier at Closing Time
  3. I Baked a Sweetie Pie, But He Left With a Tart
  4. Don't Leave a Forwarding Address When You're Moving Backwards
  5. Don't Want That Floozy in My Jacuzzi
  6. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth, Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
  7. Gloria, Gloria, Hallelujah!
  8. He Won but She Ain't no Prize
  9. Her Bar Tab Is a Leading Economic Indicator
  10. Her Teeth were Stained but her Heart was Pure
  11. How Can Whiskey Only 6 Years Old Whip a Man of 32
  12. I Ain't Sleeping with the One That's Keeping Me Awake at Night
  13. I Asked the Bartender for Whiskey 'Cuz He was Out of You
  14. I Baked a Sweetie Pie, But He Left With a Tart
  15. I Been to Hell and I Don't Want to Go Back
  16. I Bought A Car From A Guy Who Stole My Girl, But It Don't Run So We're Even
  17. I Can't Get Over You So You're Gonna Have to Get Up and Answer the Phone Yourself
  18. I Can't Sing the Note You Left Me
  19. I Can't Stop Thinkin' About Cowboys (And I'm a Cowboy, Too)
  20. I Caught her Drinking Johnny Walker with Tom, Dick and Harry
  21. I Don't Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go Bowling
  22. I Dropped the Bookcase On My Darlin' and Pleaded Shelf Defense
  23. I Found a Cadillac of a Woman in the Backseat of a Chevy
  24. I Found her Phone Number in a Restroom and I Ain't Rested Since
  25. I Found the Recipe for Heartbreak in a Cookbook on Your Shelf
  26. I Got up on the Right Side of the Wrong Bed
  27. I Grew up Wearing Hand-Me-Downs
  28. I had Open-Heart Surgery in a Honky-Tonk
  29. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine
  30. I Hate Loving You
  31. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women, But I've Sure Woke Up With a Few.
  32. I Lost My Honey Bunny on a Bad Hare Day
  33. I May Fall But I'll Never Get Up This Slow
  34. I Met Her in the Washateria and We Went Out With the Tide
  35. I Put my Heart in the Mail Last Night
  36. I Put on a Clean Shirt to do Her Dirty
  37. I Remember When She Forgot Me
  38. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
  39. I Thought I Had Tourette's, But I Just Like Talkin' Dirty To You
  40. I Was 40, She Was 20, and We Went like 60
  41. I Wish the Beer Was as Cold as the Bed
  42. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
  43. If Fingerprints Showed Up on Skin, I Wonder Whose I'd Find on You
  44. If God Sees Everything, I'm in a Lot of Trouble When I Die
  45. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
  46. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
  47. I'm Gonna Go Two-Steppin' Out on You — Founders: Bands, Singers, Songwriters, Solo Performers, Sidemen, Instrumentalists, Performers, Entertainers, Musicians, Places to Hear Acoustic Music, Locations, Venues, Clubs, Festivals, Business and Services Supporting Acoustic Music, Music Stores, Musical Instruments, Music Teachers Sandy Reay Sandy Reay: Bands, Singers, Songwriters, Solo Performers, Sidemen, Instrumentalists, Performers, Entertainers, Musicians
  48. I'm Losing Her by Fractions — 1 Fifth at a Time
  49. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
  50. I'm Tired of Being a Caboose
  51. I'm Too Square to be Part of a Love Triangle
  52. It Got Around to Me that She'd Been Getting Around to Him
  53. It Makes me Sick to Drink to Your Health
  54. It was a Hell of a Place to Find a Piece of Heaven
  55. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day
  56. It's OK to be Lonely as Long as You're not Alone
  57. It's Sad that I'm a Happy Drunk
  58. I've Been in Jail and I've Been in Love, and I'd Rather be in Jail
  59. I've Been Kicked Out of Better Places Than Your Heart
  60. Kleenex is my Best Friend
  61. Monday Morning Ain't Saturday Night
  62. My Ballpoint Won't Write Over Tears
  63. My Heart is Collecting Dust
  64. My Heart Kept Me Awake All Night
  65. My One-Night Stand Stood Me Up
  66. My Skin Always Crawls Back to You
  67. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him
  68. Now That We're Miserable, I Hope You're Happy
  69. Running My Fingers Through Your Hair Messes Up My Mind
  70. She Chews Tobacco, but She Won't Choose Me
  71. She Dumped Me for the Garbage Man
  72. She Sang with Me then Played with the Band
  73. She Told me She Didn't Know How to Tell Me
  74. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.
  75. She was Just a City Girl who Thought Twang was an Orange Drink
  76. She's Looking Better After Every Beer
  77. She's So Ugly She Makes My Cat Bark
  78. Since you Left Me I Don't Feel Like Dressing Up, But It Ain't Much Fun Getting Naked Either
  79. Smells Like Team Roping
  80. Sold for the Prevention of Heartache Only
  81. Tearstains on My Pillow Are the Only Wet Spots in My Bed
  82. The Apple of My Eye Turned Out to Be a Fruit
  83. The Hair on Her Chest was His
  84. The Lord Drives a Ford 'cuz All the Mercedes are in Hades
  85. The Man from the Gas Company Turned My Woman On
  86. The Only Thing That's Up is My Number
  87. The Peach I Picked in Georgia Didn't Cling to Me For Long
  88. The Trailer Sure Seems Lonely Now That You and Our Nine Kids Are Gone
  89. There Ain't no Neon in Prison
  90. There's Not Enough 4-Ply In This Old World To Wipe Your Skidmarks From My Heart — from Mike Welsh, Radio 2CC, Canberra, ACT, AUSTRALIA
  91. Too Many Married Men Think They're Still Single
  92. Walk Out Backwards So I'll Think You're Coming In
  93. We Made Love in Front of Johnny Carson
  94. When I Stopped the Car her Motor Started
  95. When it Rains, I Pour
  96. When She Bleached Her Hair it Frosted Me
  97. When She Said She was Sleepy I Knew She was Tired of Me
  98. When She Took Off Her Pullover I was a Pushover
  99. While I was out Jogging, She Was Running Around
  100. You Can Take the Boy Outta the Country, but You Can't Take the Bullets Outta That City-Boy Who Just Cut Me Off in His Saab
  101. You Can't be Lonelier than Me Unless You're Her
  102. You Pretend I'm Him and I'll Pretend You're Her
  103. You Walked Across My Heart Like It Was Texas
  104. You Want to Get Hitched, But My Heart is Filled with Whoa
  105. You're My Kleenex of Love, and I'm Afraid I'm Gonna Blow It
  106. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
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Data Communications Glossary

  • Broad band - all girl orchestra
  • Frequency modulation - "Not tonight, I have a headache."
  • Semiconductor - part time band leader

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Didja Know That

  • ... Jesse McReynolds once recorded with The Doors (yeah, the Jim Morrison outfit)? Yep. You can hear his mando on the album the Soft Parade.
  • ... The true and official correct line in "Old Home Place" is "...the taverns took all my pay." Taverns, not tariffs, even though Rodney Dillard said tariffs on one recording. Mitch Jayne wrote the song, and he says it's taverns, and that's that." — Bangs Tapscott, "Clinch Mountain Backtalk" Intermountain Acoustic Musician, May, 2005

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Excerpts From Student Compositions

  • Rock Monanoff was a famous post-romantic composer of piano concerti.
  • My favorite composer was Opus. Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.
  • Probably the best-known fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys.
  • Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.
  • Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines.
  • The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called pre-Madonna.

— contributed by Founders: Bands, Singers, Songwriters, Solo Performers, Sidemen, Instrumentalists, Performers, Entertainers, Musicians, Places to Hear Acoustic Music, Locations, Venues, Clubs, Festivals, Business and Services Supporting Acoustic Music, Music Stores, Musical Instruments, Music Teachers Bob Turner Bob Turner: Bands, Singers, Songwriters, Solo Performers, Sidemen, Instrumentalists, Performers, Entertainers, Musicians

  • If you keep moving two fingers real fast on the piano, you get a thrill.
  • I can't reach the brakes on this piano!
  • The best way to tune up is to use a pitchfork.
  • A good thing to remember about trying to pick up a tuba is don't.
  • Will we ever get to the point where music is no longer taught in schools? The chances are 999 out of a hundred.
  • When I learned we were going to take a trip to hear a symphony orchestra, I told my feet to quiet down, but they felt too Saturday to listen.
  • Tutti means everybody toot at the same time.
  • I know what a sextet is but I would rather not say.
  • Fortissimo means real loud. It is the way a composer yells on music paper.
  • Refrain means don't do it! A refrain in music is the part you better not play.
  • Poignant music is music you hear before the stork comes.
  • Flats are okay in music but bad in tires.
  • Pieces written in minor keys sometimes make me feel nervous, like when my mom is looking at me under her breath.
  • Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a pleasant sound once the animal is removed.
  • By shortening and lengthening tubing filled with air, high and low sounds can be made. Only wind instruments can understand this well enough to make it work for them.
  • When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds. So would anybody.
  • When we blow into a whistle, the air is pushed together in some places and pulled apart in others. Naturally it screams and that is the sound we hear.
  • Question: Who composed The Hallelujah Chorus? Answer: George Fredric Doorknob.
  • Although Rossini was once considered a great composer of operas, we now know of operas he failed to compose.
  • I like to listen to the Sorcerer's Appendix.
  • Richard Wagner was born in 1813, supposedly on his birthday.
  • Haydn got married when he was 28 years old and became the father of classical music.
  • Handel was a deeply religious man because in some of his music he talks about Ye and Thee and people like that.
  • Felix Mendelssohn seems to have been happy, honest and well-liked, although a musician.
  • Berlioz proved he was a wonderful composer by going insane.
  • Music is one of our most anesthetic arts.
  • It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and shake him in rhythm.
  • Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.
  • All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants.
  • Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica, Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin's Rap City in Blue.
  • Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco.
  • A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
  • A dulcimer is a nude piano.
  • The main trouble with a French Horn is that it is too tangled up.
  • Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.
  • Henry Purcell was a well-known composer few people have ever heard of.

— contributed by Bill Donaldson

And these, too:

  • Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present.
  • Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
  • Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

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Failed Band Slogans

  • If our music doesn't measure up to your standards, lower your standards.
  • We don't have a band idiot. We all take turns.
  • The more you drink, the better we sound.

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Glen Campbell arrested

" Glen Campbell arrested on DUI, hit & run...
Hmmmm, let's see...

  • joke #1 - 'By the time I get to Phoenix, I'll be shnockered'
  • joke #2 - 'Like a real stoned cowboy...'
  • joke #3 - 'It's knowin' that your door is always open and your liquor bar is full...' " — Scott Dahms
  • "I am the Wineman for the county...and I drive inthegeneralvicinityof the main road..." — Founders: Bands, Singers, Songwriters, Solo Performers, Sidemen, Instrumentalists, Performers, Entertainers, Musicians, Places to Hear Acoustic Music, Locations, Venues, Clubs, Festivals, Business and Services Supporting Acoustic Music, Music Stores, Musical Instruments, Music Teachers Jeff King
    Jeff King: Bands, Singers, Songwriters, Solo Performers, Sidemen, Instrumentalists, Performers, Entertainers, Musicians
  • "OK - I'll bite. 'Are you going to Scarborough Fair, whiskey, wine, tequila and lime...'
    'The road is long.......with many more shots to go'
  • 'I've driven drunk on both sides now, up and down and still somehow...' " — Barb Rossner
  • " 'The Wichita line man is still on the wine.' This really is the Good Time Hour now!" — Johnny Thompson
  • "Galve-stoned oh, Galve-stoned..." — Dave Schaper
    Dave Schaper: Bands, Singers, Songwriters / Composers, Solo Performers, Sidemen, Instrumentalists, Performers, Entertainers, Musicians, Cowboy Poets
  • "I am a wino for the county and I drive the crooked road searchin' for a cop so that I can just explode." — Harold Squires
  • " 'Sober Nights. I don't have too many Sober Nights' and
  • 'Unconditional Rum' " — Founders: Bands, Singers, Songwriters, Solo Performers, Sidemen, Instrumentalists, Performers, Entertainers, Musicians, Places to Hear Acoustic Music, Locations, Venues, Clubs, Festivals, Business and Services Supporting Acoustic Music, Music Stores, Musical Instruments, Music Teachers Ernie Martinez
    Ernie Martinez: Bands, Singers, Songwriters, Solo Performers, Sidemen, Instrumentalists, Performers, Entertainers, Musicians
  • "Still Swillin' " (thanks Bobby F.) and
  • "I Swill" — Founders: Bands, Singers, Songwriters, Solo Performers, Sidemen, Instrumentalists, Performers, Entertainers, Musicians, Places to Hear Acoustic Music, Locations, Venues, Clubs, Festivals, Business and Services Supporting Acoustic Music, Music Stores, Musical Instruments, Music Teachers Sandy Reay
    Sandy Reay: Bands, Singers, Songwriters, Solo Performers, Sidemen, Instrumentalists, Performers, Entertainers, Musicians

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Hymns

From the Black Rose Acoustic Society Newsletter, Nov/Dec 2000:

Occupational Hymns:  
The Dentist's Hymn Crown Him with Many Crowns
The Weatherman's Hymn Showers of Blessings
The Contractor's Hymn The Church's One Foundation
The Tailor's Hymn Holy, Holy, Holy
The Golfer's Hymn There's a Green Hill Far Away
The Politician's Hymn Standing on the Promises
The Optometrist's Hymn Open My Eyes That I Might See
The IRS Agent's Hymn I Surrender All
The Gossip's Hymn Pass It On
The Electrician's Hymn Send the Light
   
Hymns for Speeders:  
45 mph God Will Take Care of You
55 mph Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah
65 mph Nearer My God to Thee
75 mph Nearer Still Nearer
85 mph This World is not My Home
95 mph Lord, I'm Coming Home
100 mph Precious Memories

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Jewish Country and Western Songs

  1. Kentucky Schmaltz
  2. Foggy Mountain Nervous Breakdown
  3. Mule Fore-Skinner Blues
  4. Blue Eyes Crying from the Chrain
  5. Will the Matzah be Unbroken
  6. What a Friend We Have in Wholesale
  7. Crying My Heart Out Over You Because You Never Call, You Never Write, You Could Care Less About Your Old Mother
  8. Man of Constant Kvetching
  9. Ballad of Joseph Lieberman – I’m a Democrat, No I’m an Independent, but I’m Endorsing a Republican – Oy, I’m So Confused
    — contributed by Saul Rosenthal
  10. Achy Breaky Hip
  11. I Got the Guilt, You Got the Gelt (I Went and Cut Another Notch in My Belt)
  12. Take This, "Job," and Shove It
  13. I'm Cryin' in My Manischewitz ('Cause I Lost Rebecca Levitz)
  14. Ever Since My Circumcision, My Baby's Been Short With Me
  15. All My Exes Made an Exodus
  16. The Shiksa's Gonna Hit the Fan
  17. This Bris! This Bris!! Unchoppable!!!
  18. Four Thousand Years of Sufferin', and I Had to Marry You
  19. My Woman Gave Me Crabs, and That Ain't Kosher
  20. I've Starved and I've Suffered and I've Parted the Sea Just to Find That Your Bush Wasn't Burnin' For Me
  21. Homeland on the Range
  22. Alright, Already, Enough With The Infidelity!
  23. I Was One Of The Chosen People ('Til She Chose Somebody Else)
  24. Honky Tonk Nights On The Golan Heights
  25. I've Got My Foot On The Glass, Where Are You?
  26. My Rowdy Friend Elijah's Comin' Over Tonight
  27. New Bottle Of Whiskey, Same Old Testament
  28. Stand by Your Mensch
  29. Eighteen Wheels And A Dozen Latkes
  30. I Balanced Your Books, But You're Breakin' My Heart
  31. My Darlin's A Schmendrick And I'm All Verklempt
  32. That Shiksa Done Made Off With My Heart Like A Goniff
  33. The Second Time She Said "Shalom", I Knew She Meant "Goodbye"
  34. You're the Lox My Bagel's Been Missin'
  35. You've Been Talkin' Hebrew In Your Sleep Since That Rabbi Came To Town
  36. Why Don't We Get Drunk? We're Jews!
  37. Mamas Don't Let Their Ungrateful Sons Grow Up to Be Cowboys (When You Could Very Easily Have Taken Over The Family Hardware Business That My Own Father Broke His Back To Start And Your Father Sweated Over For Forty Five Years Which Apparently Doesn't Mean Anything To You Now That You're Turning Your Back On Such A Gift To Ride Around All Day On Some Meshuggenah Horse)
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Mergers and Acquisitions

  • POLYGRAM RECORDS, WARNER BROTHERS and KEEBLER. (The new company will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker)
  • ZIPPO MANUFACTURING, AUDI, DOFASCO and DAKOTA MINING. (The new company will be called Zip Audi Do-Da)
  • MOTOROLA and ENRON. (The new company will be called MORON)
  • XEROX and WURLITZER. (Don't know what the new company will be called, but they're going to make reproductive organs)

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Modern Medicine

Stressed out today? Cheer up! Modern medicine has come up with some great new stuff to make life easier...

  • Peptobimbo...Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence and improves flirting.
  • Dumerol...When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.
  • Buyagra...Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
  • Extra Strength Buy-one-all...When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminant buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD.

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'Mom' Rock Bands

"Estimates suggest there as many as 50 active 'mom' rock bands in the country, with as many as 20 having been formed in the last year. Here are the names of a few:

  • Housewives on Prozac: in suburban New York
  • Placenta: in Oakland, CA
  • Frump: in Dallas. The mother's children have since formed a group called Spawn."

— "Mom's Gotta Rock", The Denver Post, Jan. 22, 2005

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Music and Personality

"Strangers can accurately assess another person's level of creativity, open-mindedness and extroversion after listening to his or her top 10 favorite songs. ...personality clues are conveyed in the music's tempo, rhythm and lyrics.

  • Smart Sounds Fans of jazz, classical and other 'complex' music typically have above-average IQ scores.
  • Easy Listeners Fans of country and Top 40 hits tend to be more conventional, honest and conservative compared with fans of other genres. 'People who like country and pop might be more simpleminded, and that's not necessarily bad. ...They just avoid making things unnecessarily complex.'
  • Drama Queens Compared with other music fans, opera aficionados are three time more likely to endorse suicide as a solution to family dishonor....dramatic personalities are drawn to opera, not influenced by it.
  • Parental Advisory Parents often worry that music — whether it's Elvis or Enimen — promotes sexual or aggressive behavior in teens....[Studies have found] no direct link. In fact, fans of gangsta rap or heavy metal are often more timid and shy than other kids...
  • Boom Town Extroverts gravitate to music with a heavy bass line...
  • Brain Invasion Whether you can study or work efficiently while listening to music may depend on how outgoing you are. Background music can help extroverts focus, but tends to torment introverts.
  • Peak Performance It may work for Rocky Balboa, but music doesn't always pump up athletes. Motivational music can give weightlifters an edge. Runners, however, don't move farther or faster with the help of motivational music.
  • Motormouths Fans of energetic music like dance or soul are more likely to impulsively blurt out their thoughts, compared with fans of other styles."

— "Music and Personality, What's Your Soundtrack?", Psychology Today, Feb. 2006

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Music Art

  • Without Music, Life Would Be A Mistake.
  • Music Can Change The World.
  • Music Is Art.
  • Music Expresses That Which Cannot Be Said.

— Bed, Bath and Beyond catalog

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Musical Glossary

A Cappella:
Italian for no banjos
or
Italian for 'I don't know the chords'
Allegro:
It's a little car — S.F. Trumpeter Al Molina from May/June 2001 TheBlack Rose
Audition:
The act of putting oneself under extreme duress to satisfy the sadistic intentions of someone who has already made up his mind. — Announcements from 6/14/01 The Colorado Music Association
Balalaika:
Russian for impossible to tune
Conductor:
A musician who is adept at following many people at the same time. — Ben Cohen
Con Moto:
Yeah baby, I have a car — S.F. Trumpeter Al Molina from May/June 2001 TheBlack Rose
Glissando:
A technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.
Melody:
An ancient, now-extinct art in songwriting—The Black Rose July/August 2001
Metronome:
A short, urban musician who can fit into a small car — S.F. Trumpeter Al Molina from May/June 2001 TheBlack Rose
Music:
A complex organization of sounds that is set down by the composer, incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, ignored by the musicians, the result of which is abhorred by the audience.— Ben Cohen
Musica Ficta:
When you lose your place and have to bluff until you find it again.
Obbligato:
Being forced to practice — S.F. Trumpeter Al Molina from May/June 2001 TheBlack Rose
Opus:
Exclamation made when the cat "decorates" the new rug—The Black Rose July/August 2001
Piu Animato:
Clean out the cat's litter box or it goes — S.F. Trumpeter Al Molina from May/June 2001 TheBlack Rose
Prelude:
Warm-up before the clever stuff—The Black Rose July/August 2001
Relative minor:
A Country-Western guitarist's girlfriend.
Soprano Sofege:
do, re, mi, me, Me, Not You, ME!!
Stipend
What you call it when it's not real money. —Nigel Tufnel per Charlie Hall, The Black Rose Acoustic Society Newsletter Nov/Dec 2000
Subito piano:
Indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra player to become a soloist.
Successful Musician:
One whose girlfriend (boyfriend) has at least 2 jobs. — Ben Cohen
Vibrato:
Used by singers (and bass players) to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.
Virtuoso:
A person who can work wonders with easy-play music—The Black Rose July/August 2001
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Musical Marriages

  • Yoko Ono + Sonny Bono=Yoko Ono Bono
  • Dolly Parton + Salvador Dali=Dolly Dali
  • Bo Derek + Don Ho=Bo Ho
  • Olivia Newton-John + Wayne Newton + Elton John=Olivia Newton-John Newton John
  • Oprah Winfrey + Depak Chopra=Oprah Chopra
  • Sondra Locke + Elliott Ness + Herman Munster=Sandra Locke Ness Munster
  • Bea Arthur + Sting=Bea Sting
  • Snoop Doggy Dogg + Winnie the Pooh=Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh
  • Boog Powell + Felipe Alou=Boog Alou
  • Shirley Jones + Tom Ewell + Johnny Rotten + Nathan Hale=Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale
  • Javier Lopez + Keiko the Whale and Edith Piaf + Rose Tu the Elephant=Javier Keiko and Edith Tu
  • Ivana Trump + Orson Bean + King Oscar of Norway + Louis B. Mayer + Norbert Wiener=Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener
  • Woody Allen + Natalie Wood + Gregory Peck + Ben Hur=Woody Wood Peck Hur
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Musical Styles

  • JAZZ - Five men on stage all plaing different tunes.
  • BLUES - Played exclusively by people who woke upthis morning..
  • WORLD MUSIC- A dozen different types of percussion all going on at once.
  • COUNTRY - Celebrating the dysfunctional in everyday life.
  • OPERA - People singing when they should be talking.
  • RAP - People talking when they should be singing.
  • CLASSICAL - Discover the other 45 minutes they left out of the TV ad.
  • FOLK - Endless songs about shipwrecks in the 19th century..
  • BIG BAND - 20 men who take it in turns to stand up plus a drummer.
  • HEAVY METAL - Codpiece and chaps.

— Bangs Tapscott, Intermountain Acoustic Musician, July 2004

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Nursery Rhymes

  • JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
    To have a little fun
    Stupid Jill forgot the pill
    And now they have a son
  • MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
    Her father shot it dead
    Now it goes to school with her
    Between two hunks of bread
  • LITTLE MISS MUFFET sat on a tuffet
    Her clothes all tattered and torn.
    It had not been the spider that crept up beside her
    But Little Boy Blue and his horn
  • SIMPLE SIMON met a Pieman going to the fair
    Said Simple Simon to the Pieman "What have you got there?"
    Said the Pieman unto Simon
    "Pies, you idiot!"
  • THERE WAS A LITTLE GIRL, who had a little curl
    Right in the middle of her forehead
    And when she was good, she was very very good
    But when she was bad, she got a fur coat, jewels, a sports car
  • HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall
    Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
    All the King's horses and all the King's men
    Had scrambled eggs on toast for breakfast
  • HICKORY DICKORY DOCK
    Three mice ran up the clock
    The clock struck one
    And the others got away with minor injuries
  • HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat did a piddle
    All over the bedside clock
    The little dog laughed to see such fun
    And the cat died of electric shock
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Obfuscated Chords

  • demented
  • suspendered
  • fermented
  • distinguished
  • argumentative
  • extinguished
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Old-Time Tune Names

From "The Doc Stock Banjo Method or Any Jerk Can Play the Banjo so Why Not You Too?" by Jim Rosenstock. Additional contributions by others.

  • Turkey in the Straw
  • Bug in the Taters
  • Paddy on the Turnpike
  • Fire on the Mountain
  • Billy in the Low Ground
  • Drugs in the Urine Sample
  • Christ on a Crutch
  • Monkey in the Dog Cart
  • Logs in the Bedpan
  • Ducks in the Millpond
  • Pigeon on a Gate Post
  • Water on the Knee
  • Urine on a Fence Post

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Pop's Wisdom

In the 60's and 70's, all you had to do to get a good taste of wisdom was turn up the volume, close your eyes, and say, "Yeah. Wow."

  • To appreciate diversity
    Philosopher: Sly and the Family Stone
    Insight: Different strokes for different folks, and so on and so on and scooby dooby doo-bee. Oh sha sha, we got to live together.
  • To sort of understand Hindu Romance
    Philosopher: Iron Butterfly
    Insight: In-a-gadda-da-vida, honey, don't you know that I love you? In-a-gadda-da-viad, baby, don't you know that I'll always be true?
  • To master self-knowledge
    Philosopher: Strawberrry Alarm Clock
    Insight: Turn on, tune in, turn your eyes around. Look at yourself.
  • To understand free-will
    Philosopher: Janis Joplin
    Insight: Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose. Nothin' don't mean nothin', hon, if it ain't free.
  • To achieve world peace
    Philosopher: The Youngbloods
    Insight: Everybody get together, try to love one another. Right now.
  • And always remember, good vibrations = excitations.

— Denis Boyle, "LifeEtc. Denis Boyle's five-minute guide to ... Wisdom", AARP the Magazine, March/April, 2006

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Redneck Church Music

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
  • the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
  • the choir is known as the "OK Chorale".
  • high notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.
  • the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.
  • instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.
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A Selection of Carols for Our Dysfunctional Friends

  • AGORAPHOBIA: I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House
  • AMNESIA: I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas
  • ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER: Silent night, Holy oooh look a kitty - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?
  • AUTISTIC: Jingle Bell Rock and Rock and Rock and Rock ...
  • BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
  • DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas
  • DEPRESSION: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely
  • MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...
  • MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Kings Disoriented Are
  • NARCISSISTIC: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
  • OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock ........ ....(better start again)
  • OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANT DISORDER: I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House
  • PARANOID: Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me
  • PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY: On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away)
  • PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
  • SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do I Hear What I Hear?
  • SENILE DEMENTIA: Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House in My Slippers and Robe
  • SOCIAL ANXIETY DISORDER: Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate
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Shaggy Dog Punchlines

  • Sing softly and carry a big pick. — Ben Cohen
  • Isaac left no tone un-Sterne'd. — Bob Cooke
  • I left my harp in Sam Clam's Disco.
  • It was the bottom of the Ninth, the basses were loaded, and the score was tied.
  • It's the Moron Tab and apple Choir.
  • Opporknockity tunes but once.
  • She is just suffering from pre-minstrel tension.
  • The magician has a cunning array of stunts.
  • You think I wished for a 10-inch pianist?

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Songs for Those of us Who are Getting Older

  • A Pirate Looks at 40, um 50, would you believe 60?
  • As Time Goes By
  • A Whiter Shade Of Hair
  • Back Side of Thirty
  • Denture Queen
  • Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver
  • The First Time I Ever Forgot Your Face
  • Forty and Going on Dead
  • How Can You Mend A Broken Hip
  • I am Woman, Hear me Snore
  • I Can't See Clearly Now
  • If You're Going to San Francisco (Be Sure to Pack a Business Suit)
  • I Get By With A Little Help From Depends
  • I Heard It Through The Grape Nuts
  • I May be Used but I'm not Used Up
  • It's My Condo and I'll Sell if I Want To
  • It's My Procedure and I'll Cry if I Want To
  • I've Aged 20 Years in Five
  • Knock Three Times on the Ceiling if You Hear Me Fall
  • Let's Get Fiscal
  • Little CPA
  • Middle Age of Aquarius
  • Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Walker
  • Old and In the Way
  • Old Friends
  • The Old Gray Mare
  • Old Man on the Farm
  • Old Nashville Cowboy
  • Old Rocking Chair
  • On the Throne (Commode) Again
  • Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom
  • Papa's Got A Brand New Kidney Stone
  • Positively 5th Avenue
  • Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash
  • Thirty-Nine and Holding
  • Too Old to Change
  • Too Old to Cut the Mustard
  • Yesterday's Wine
  • You Make Me Feel Like Napping
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Thing You Would Never Hear a Real Texan Say from Kinky Friedman's Guide to Texas Etiquette

  • I think that song needs more French horn.
  • I thought Graceland was tacky.

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Things to Think About

Some things to think about:
  • If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
  • If all the world is a stage, where does the audience sit?
  • How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
  • Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
  • If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about it?
  • American car horns beep in the tone of F.
  • One in every 4 Americans has appeared on television.
  • The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA."
  • Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
  • The sound of E.T walking was made by someone squishing her hands in jelly.
  • Debra Winger was the voice of E.T.
  • A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why.

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Topfive.com's Top 16 Signs Your Band Will Never Hit the Big Time

  • 16 4 words: Rage Against The Bagpipe
  • 15 Bob Marley's cause: freedom and equality; U2's cause: third world debt relief; Your band's cause: irritable bowel syndrome
  • 14 All your members are allergic to Spandex and Aqua Net.
  • 13 The term "heavy metal" refers to the collective weight of the band's orthodontics.
  • 12 Critics hail you as the foremost talent in your musical niche. Your musical niche? Gangsta-Country.
  • 11 "I'm sorry, but Sousa tunes set to a hip-hop beat just isn't what the kids are buying these days, Mr. Boone."
  • 10 A Spice Girls cover band just doesn't work if you're 35 years old. And male. And there's only one of you.
  • 9 Percussionist always has to wait until the dishwasher cycles to retrieve his spoons.
  • 8 You're too busy making sequels to "The Matrix," and besides, your bass playing sucks more than your acting.
  • 7 Band motto: "Practice is for wusses."
  • 6 Genre: Boy Band. Tour Sponsor: NAMBLA
  • 5 Your goals, in order of priority: 1) Score some drugs 2) Score some chicks 3) Score some instruments
  • 4 Your band's video is getting a lot of airplay on MTV — as a promo for "Jackass."
  • 3 Your female lead singer has talent — just not D-cup talent.
  • 2 You keep letting David Lee Roth back in
  • 1 Now that you see the jumbo letters on the marquee, you realize that naming the band "Closed For Private Party" was a big mistake.
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The Top 8 Hanukkah Songs

Thanks to Founders: Bands, Singers, Songwriters / Composers, Solo Performers, Sidemen, Instrumentalists, Performers, Entertainers, Musicians, Cowboy Poets, Places to Hear Acoustic Music, Locations, Venues, Clubs, Festivals, Business and Services Supporting Acoustic Music, Music Stores, Musical Instruments, Music Teachers Bob Turner Bob Turner: Bands, Singers, Songwriters / Composers, Solo Performers, Sidemen, Instrumentalists, Performers, Entertainers, Musicians, Cowboy Poets

  1. "Oy to the World"
  2. "Schlepping Through a Winter Wonderland"
  3. "Bubbie Got Run Over by a Reindeer"
  4. "Enough With Those Jingle Bells, Already"
  5. "Matzo Man" by the Lower East Side Village People
  6. "Come On, Baby, Light my Menorah"
  7. "Deck the Halls With Balls of Challah"
  8. "Silent Night? I Should Be so Lucky!"
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The Top 10 Signs Your Bluegrass Band is About to Break Up

Thanks to Bangs Tapscott, from Intermountain Acoustic Musician
  1. The members book separate motel rooms when on the road — in separate towns
  2. They don't agree on the key for songs. So they play in several at the same time.
  3. They just went in together to buy a bus.
  4. The Dobro player's wife is selling her belly dance video at the the record table.
  5. The forced laughter of the band members at the guitar player's jokes has gotten appreciable louder.
  6. The banjo player and the bass player have become romantically involved.
  7. The fiddle player who HAD been romantically involved with the banjo player is now getting close to the guitar player.
  8. The mandolin player who isn't romantically involved with anyone has joined a cult.
  9. Someone asks the lead singer if the tune starts with a turnaround or a full break. The reply is, "Who wants to know?"
  10. A band picture has just been taken.

More:

  • At the end of a song, the lead singer says to the lead guitar player, into the microphone, "Well, that sucked."
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Van Gogh's Family Tree

His dizzy aunt Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store Stop N. Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia Hugh Gogh
The cousin from Illinois Chica Gogh
His magician uncle Where Diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin Amie Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach Wells Far Gogh
The constipated uncle Cant Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt Tan Gogh
The bird lover uncle Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking Way To Gogh
The little bouncy nephew Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco Go Gogh
A niece who traveled the country in a van Winnie Bay Gogh
A nephew who loved exotic food Escar Gogh

....And there ya Gogh!

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Wordplay

  • Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
  • A backward poet writes inverse.
  • A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
  • Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
  • He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
  • He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
  • To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

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