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- Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again,"
giving obvious pleasure to the congregation
- Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need
all the help they can get.
- The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the
choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."
- A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church
hall. Music will follow.
- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What
is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
- Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition
of several new members and to the deterioration of some older
ones.
- The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who
enjoys sinning to join the choir.
- This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park
across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to
sin.
- The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet
in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited
to attend this tragedy.
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Bumper Stickers
- What if the Hokey Pokey IS what it's all about?
- You're following the bass ... just like everybody else —
contributed by Brian Keller
- Musician at work (Stand in awe) — contributed by Bob Cooke
- "Favorite bumper sticker spotted in Telluride: 'Paddle
faster, I hear banjos'." — Warren Epstein, "Diverse
bluegrass entranced Telluride" The [Colorado Springs] Gazette,
Jun 29, 2007
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Bad Band
Names
- Never Been Rocked
- The Rolling Kidney Stones
- Sons of WHAM
- Watermelanoma
- THREE PIECE AND A BISCUIT
- The Seven Deadly Synths
- Wilde Oscar
- Steel Venom
- DARN CAPS LOCK
- Comatoast
- Shhhhhh
- Travioli
- Gig Cancelled
- The Van Damned
- Lost and Profound
- STYNX
- When Nostrils Flare
- Hands in the Pudding
- Liquid Bagel
- Reigning Katzendawgs
- Rockenshpiel
- JUAN IN A MILLION
- TOXIC HASTE
- Tune Raider
- My Cat Named Our Band
- Yeti Yeti Who's Got The Yeti
- The Mountain Dudes
- Not Without My Goat
- Band Before Time
- Band of Botherers
- unitooth
- Forecast: Loud
- nICE sCREAM
- Un-Called 4
- The Flaming Moths
- Wonton Destruction
- The Bakers Doesn't
- Testosteroni
- Odorant
- FREE BEER
- Gaseous Cassius
- Throatmeal
- RadiHater
- Moisturised Sound
- Meat the Cleavers
- Deleted Login Profile
- Pancake Remix
- Stranger than Friction
- Copathetic
— contributed by
Duane Webster
more:
- Under New Management
- Lotsa Loosers
- Closed For Private Party
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These are known as "mondegreens", from the Scottish
folk ballad "The Bonnie Earl of Moray", in which the
lines "They have slain the Earl of Moray / And laid him on
the green" were misunderstood to be "They have slain
the Lord Amurray / And Lady Mondegreen". — from Steven
D. Price in Smithsonian, Feb. 2001
And, from the same Smithsonian: Thelonius Monk is "the loneliest
monk". from Paul A. Peeples
- Your Shellfish Heart (the bluegrass mermaid song)
- I'm Just a Used T.V. to You
- Big Spike Hairdo
- Black Hairy Possum
- Drifting too Far from the Chord
- Little Booger Boy
- To be With My Collie Alone
- Is it True that I Flossed You? (the bluegrass dentistry song)
- I'm Working on a Blister ... on my Lip, on my Lip
- Just a little Chocolate Jesus
- Don't Be Flat
- Since she put me down there's been owls puking in my bed
- You pickied a fine time to leave me, Lucille, with 4 hundred
children that crapped in the field
- The ants are my friends (Dylan classic)
- The Girl With Colitis Goes By (Beatles classic)
- The Happy Enchilada song (Prine classic)
- S'cuse me, while I kiss this guy (Hendrix classic)
- There's a Bathroom on the Right (Creedence classic)
- Ain't no woman like the One Eyed Gott — contributed by Dan Dalton
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Country Song Titles
- Ain't No Trash Been in My Trailer Since the Night I Threw
You Out
- All the Girls Get Prettier at Closing Time
- I Baked a Sweetie Pie, But He Left With a Tart
- Don't Leave a Forwarding Address When You're Moving Backwards
- Don't Want That Floozy in My Jacuzzi
- Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth, Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
- Gloria, Gloria, Hallelujah!
- He Won but She Ain't no Prize
- Her Bar Tab Is a Leading Economic Indicator
- Her Teeth were Stained but her Heart was Pure
- How Can Whiskey Only 6 Years Old Whip a Man of 32
- I Ain't Sleeping with the One That's Keeping Me Awake at Night
- I Asked the Bartender for Whiskey 'Cuz He was Out of You
- I Baked a Sweetie Pie, But He Left With a Tart
- I Been to Hell and I Don't Want to Go Back
- I Bought A Car From A Guy Who Stole My Girl, But It Don't
Run So We're Even
- I Can't Get Over You So You're Gonna Have to Get Up and Answer
the Phone Yourself
- I Can't Sing the Note You Left Me
- I Can't Stop Thinkin' About Cowboys (And I'm a Cowboy, Too)
- I Caught her Drinking Johnny Walker with Tom, Dick and Harry
- I Don't Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go Bowling
- I Dropped the Bookcase On My Darlin' and Pleaded Shelf Defense
- I Found a Cadillac of a Woman in the Backseat of a Chevy
- I Found her Phone Number in a Restroom and I Ain't Rested
Since
- I Found the Recipe for Heartbreak in a Cookbook on Your Shelf
- I Got up on the Right Side of the Wrong Bed
- I Grew up Wearing Hand-Me-Downs
- I had Open-Heart Surgery in a Honky-Tonk
- I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine
- I Hate Loving You
- I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women, But I've Sure Woke
Up With a Few.
- I Lost My Honey Bunny on a Bad Hare Day
- I May Fall But I'll Never Get Up This Slow
- I Met Her in the Washateria and We Went Out With the Tide
- I Put my Heart in the Mail Last Night
- I Put on a Clean Shirt to do Her Dirty
- I Remember When She Forgot Me
- I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
- I Thought I Had Tourette's, But I Just Like Talkin' Dirty
To You
- I Was 40, She Was 20, and We Went like 60
- I Wish the Beer Was as Cold as the Bed
- I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd
Win
- If Fingerprints Showed Up on Skin, I Wonder Whose I'd Find
on You
- If God Sees Everything, I'm in a Lot of Trouble When I Die
- If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
- If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
- I'm Gonna Go Two-Steppin' Out on You —
Sandy Reay
- I'm Losing Her by Fractions — 1 Fifth at a Time
- I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
- I'm Tired of Being a Caboose
- I'm Too Square to be Part of a Love Triangle
- It Got Around to Me that She'd Been Getting Around to Him
- It Makes me Sick to Drink to Your Health
- It was a Hell of a Place to Find a Piece of Heaven
- It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All
Day
- It's OK to be Lonely as Long as You're not Alone
- It's Sad that I'm a Happy Drunk
- I've Been in Jail and I've Been in Love, and I'd Rather be
in Jail
- I've Been Kicked Out of Better Places Than Your Heart
- Kleenex is my Best Friend
- Monday Morning Ain't Saturday Night
- My Ballpoint Won't Write Over Tears
- My Heart is Collecting Dust
- My Heart Kept Me Awake All Night
- My One-Night Stand Stood Me Up
- My Skin Always Crawls Back to You
- My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him
- Now That We're Miserable, I Hope You're Happy
- Running My Fingers Through Your Hair Messes Up My Mind
- She Chews Tobacco, but She Won't Choose Me
- She Dumped Me for the Garbage Man
- She Sang with Me then Played with the Band
- She Told me She Didn't Know How to Tell Me
- She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.
- She was Just a City Girl who Thought Twang was an Orange Drink
- She's Looking Better After Every Beer
- She's So Ugly She Makes My Cat Bark
- Since you Left Me I Don't Feel Like Dressing Up, But It Ain't
Much Fun Getting Naked Either
- Smells Like Team Roping
- Sold for the Prevention of Heartache Only
- Tearstains on My Pillow Are the Only Wet Spots in My Bed
- The Apple of My Eye Turned Out to Be a Fruit
- The Hair on Her Chest was His
- The Lord Drives a Ford 'cuz All the Mercedes are in Hades
- The Man from the Gas Company Turned My Woman On
- The Only Thing That's Up is My Number
- The Peach I Picked in Georgia Didn't Cling to Me For Long
- The Trailer Sure Seems Lonely Now That You and Our Nine Kids
Are Gone
- There Ain't no Neon in Prison
- There's Not Enough 4-Ply In This Old World To Wipe Your Skidmarks
From My Heart — from Mike Welsh, Radio 2CC, Canberra,
ACT, AUSTRALIA
- Too Many Married Men Think They're Still Single
- Walk Out Backwards So I'll Think You're Coming In
- We Made Love in Front of Johnny Carson
- When I Stopped the Car her Motor Started
- When it Rains, I Pour
- When She Bleached Her Hair it Frosted Me
- When She Said She was Sleepy I Knew She was Tired of Me
- When She Took Off Her Pullover I was a Pushover
- While I was out Jogging, She Was Running Around
- You Can Take the Boy Outta the Country, but You Can't Take
the Bullets Outta That City-Boy Who Just Cut Me Off in His Saab
- You Can't be Lonelier than Me Unless You're Her
- You Pretend I'm Him and I'll Pretend You're Her
- You Walked Across My Heart Like It Was Texas
- You Want to Get Hitched, But My Heart is Filled with Whoa
- You're My Kleenex of Love, and I'm Afraid I'm Gonna Blow It
- You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
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Data Communications Glossary
- Broad band - all girl orchestra
- Frequency modulation - "Not tonight, I have a headache."
- Semiconductor - part time band leader
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Didja Know That
- ... Jesse McReynolds once recorded with The Doors (yeah, the
Jim Morrison outfit)? Yep. You can hear his mando on the album
the Soft Parade.
- ... The true and official correct line in "Old Home Place"
is "...the taverns took all my pay." Taverns, not
tariffs, even though Rodney Dillard said tariffs on one recording.
Mitch Jayne wrote the song, and he says it's taverns, and that's
that." — Bangs Tapscott, "Clinch Mountain Backtalk"
Intermountain Acoustic Musician, May, 2005
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Excerpts From Student Compositions
- Rock Monanoff was a famous post-romantic composer of piano
concerti.
- My favorite composer was Opus. Agnus Dei was a woman composer
famous for her church music.
- Probably the best-known fugue was the one between the Hatfields
and the McCoys.
- Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.
- Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same
lines.
- The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called
pre-Madonna.
— contributed by Bob Turner
- If you keep moving two fingers real fast on the piano, you
get a thrill.
- I can't reach the brakes on this piano!
- The best way to tune up is to use a pitchfork.
- A good thing to remember about trying to pick up a tuba is
don't.
- Will we ever get to the point where music is no longer taught
in schools? The chances are 999 out of a hundred.
- When I learned we were going to take a trip to hear a symphony
orchestra, I told my feet to quiet down, but they felt too Saturday
to listen.
- Tutti means everybody toot at the same time.
- I know what a sextet is but I would rather not say.
- Fortissimo means real loud. It is the way a composer yells
on music paper.
- Refrain means don't do it! A refrain in music is the part
you better not play.
- Poignant music is music you hear before the stork comes.
- Flats are okay in music but bad in tires.
- Pieces written in minor keys sometimes make me feel nervous,
like when my mom is looking at me under her breath.
- Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to
make a pleasant sound once the animal is removed.
- By shortening and lengthening tubing filled with air, high
and low sounds can be made. Only wind instruments can understand
this well enough to make it work for them.
- When electric currents go through them, guitars start making
sounds. So would anybody.
- When we blow into a whistle, the air is pushed together in
some places and pulled apart in others. Naturally it screams
and that is the sound we hear.
- Question: Who composed The Hallelujah Chorus? Answer: George
Fredric Doorknob.
- Although Rossini was once considered a great composer of operas,
we now know of operas he failed to compose.
- I like to listen to the Sorcerer's Appendix.
- Richard Wagner was born in 1813, supposedly on his birthday.
- Haydn got married when he was 28 years old and became the
father of classical music.
- Handel was a deeply religious man because in some of his music
he talks about Ye and Thee and people like that.
- Felix Mendelssohn seems to have been happy, honest and well-liked,
although a musician.
- Berlioz proved he was a wonderful composer by going insane.
- Music is one of our most anesthetic arts.
- It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip
the neck and shake him in rhythm.
- Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.
- All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know exactly
what they sounded like because there are no known descendants.
- Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze
Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica, Tchaikovsky
Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin's Rap City in Blue.
- Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel;
if they sing without music it is called Acapulco.
- A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
- A dulcimer is a nude piano.
- The main trouble with a French Horn is that it is too tangled
up.
- Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written
long ago.
- Henry Purcell was a well-known composer few people have ever
heard of.
— contributed by Bill Donaldson
And these, too:
- Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had
a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old
spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750
to the present.
- Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was
Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English.
He was very large.
- Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf
he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when
everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and
later died for this.
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Failed Band Slogans
- If our music doesn't measure up to your standards, lower your
standards.
- We don't have a band idiot. We all take turns.
- The more you drink, the better we sound.
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Glen Campbell arrested
" Glen Campbell arrested on DUI, hit & run...
Hmmmm, let's see...
- joke #1 - 'By the time I get to Phoenix, I'll be shnockered'
- joke #2 - 'Like a real stoned cowboy...'
- joke #3 - 'It's knowin' that your door is always open and
your liquor bar is full...' " — Scott Dahms
- "I am the Wineman for the county...and I drive inthegeneralvicinityof
the main road..." —
Jeff King
- "OK - I'll bite. 'Are you going to Scarborough Fair,
whiskey, wine, tequila and lime...'
'The road is long.......with many more shots to go'
- " 'I've driven drunk on both sides now, up and down and still
somehow...' " — Barb Rossner
- " 'The Wichita line man is still on the wine.' This really
is the Good Time Hour now!" — Johnny Thompson
- "Galve-stoned oh, Galve-stoned..." — Dave
Schaper
- "I am a wino for the county and I drive the crooked road
searchin' for a cop so that I can just explode." —
Harold Squires
- " 'Sober Nights. I don't have too many Sober Nights'
and
- 'Unconditional Rum' " —
Ernie Martinez
- "Still Swillin' " (thanks Bobby F.) and
- "I Swill" —
Sandy Reay
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From the Black Rose Acoustic Society Newsletter, Nov/Dec 2000:
Occupational Hymns: |
|
The Dentist's Hymn |
Crown Him with Many Crowns |
The Weatherman's Hymn |
Showers of Blessings |
The Contractor's Hymn |
The Church's One Foundation |
The Tailor's Hymn |
Holy, Holy, Holy |
The Golfer's Hymn |
There's a Green Hill Far Away |
The Politician's Hymn |
Standing on the Promises |
The Optometrist's Hymn |
Open My Eyes That I Might See |
The IRS Agent's Hymn |
I Surrender All |
The Gossip's Hymn |
Pass It On |
The Electrician's Hymn |
Send the Light |
|
|
Hymns for Speeders: |
|
45 mph |
God Will Take Care of You |
55 mph |
Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah |
65 mph |
Nearer My God to Thee |
75 mph |
Nearer Still Nearer |
85 mph |
This World is not My Home |
95 mph |
Lord, I'm Coming Home |
100 mph |
Precious Memories |
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- Kentucky Schmaltz
- Foggy Mountain Nervous Breakdown
- Mule Fore-Skinner Blues
- Blue Eyes Crying from the Chrain
- Will the Matzah be Unbroken
- What a Friend We Have in Wholesale
- Crying My Heart Out Over You Because You Never Call, You Never
Write, You Could Care Less About Your Old Mother
- Man of Constant Kvetching
- Ballad of Joseph Lieberman – I’m a Democrat, No
I’m an Independent, but I’m Endorsing a Republican
– Oy, I’m So Confused
— contributed by Saul Rosenthal
- Achy Breaky Hip
- I Got the Guilt, You Got the Gelt (I Went and Cut Another
Notch in My Belt)
- Take This, "Job," and Shove It
- I'm Cryin' in My Manischewitz ('Cause I Lost Rebecca Levitz)
- Ever Since My Circumcision, My Baby's Been Short With Me
- All My Exes Made an Exodus
- The Shiksa's Gonna Hit the Fan
- This Bris! This Bris!! Unchoppable!!!
- Four Thousand Years of Sufferin', and I Had to Marry You
- My Woman Gave Me Crabs, and That Ain't Kosher
- I've Starved and I've Suffered and I've Parted the Sea Just
to Find That Your Bush Wasn't Burnin' For Me
- Homeland on the Range
- Alright, Already, Enough With The Infidelity!
- I Was One Of The Chosen People ('Til She Chose Somebody Else)
- Honky Tonk Nights On The Golan Heights
- I've Got My Foot On The Glass, Where Are You?
- My Rowdy Friend Elijah's Comin' Over Tonight
- New Bottle Of Whiskey, Same Old Testament
- Stand by Your Mensch
- Eighteen Wheels And A Dozen Latkes
- I Balanced Your Books, But You're Breakin' My Heart
- My Darlin's A Schmendrick And I'm All Verklempt
- That Shiksa Done Made Off With My Heart Like A Goniff
- The Second Time She Said "Shalom", I Knew She Meant
"Goodbye"
- You're the Lox My Bagel's Been Missin'
- You've Been Talkin' Hebrew In Your Sleep Since That Rabbi
Came To Town
- Why Don't We Get Drunk? We're Jews!
- Mamas Don't Let Their Ungrateful Sons Grow Up to Be Cowboys
(When You Could Very Easily Have Taken Over The Family Hardware
Business That My Own Father Broke His Back To Start And Your
Father Sweated Over For Forty Five Years Which Apparently Doesn't
Mean Anything To You Now That You're Turning Your Back On Such
A Gift To Ride Around All Day On Some Meshuggenah Horse)
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Mergers and Acquisitions
- POLYGRAM RECORDS, WARNER BROTHERS and KEEBLER. (The new company
will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker)
- ZIPPO MANUFACTURING, AUDI, DOFASCO and DAKOTA MINING. (The
new company will be called Zip Audi Do-Da)
- MOTOROLA and ENRON. (The new company will be called MORON)
- XEROX and WURLITZER. (Don't know what the new company will
be called, but they're going to make reproductive organs)
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Modern Medicine
Stressed out today? Cheer up! Modern medicine has come up with
some great new stuff to make life easier...
- Peptobimbo...Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups
swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases
intelligence and improves flirting.
- Dumerol...When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously
low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.
- Buyagra...Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases
potency and duration of spending spree.
- Extra Strength Buy-one-all...When combined with Buyagra, can
cause an indiscriminant buying frenzy so severe the victim may
even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD.
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'Mom' Rock Bands
"Estimates suggest there as many as 50 active 'mom' rock
bands in the country, with as many as 20 having been formed in
the last year. Here are the names of a few:
- Housewives on Prozac: in suburban
New York
- Placenta: in Oakland, CA
- Frump: in Dallas. The mother's children
have since formed a group called Spawn."
— "Mom's Gotta Rock", The Denver Post, Jan.
22, 2005
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Music and Personality
"Strangers can accurately assess another person's level
of creativity, open-mindedness and extroversion after listening
to his or her top 10 favorite songs. ...personality clues are
conveyed in the music's tempo, rhythm and lyrics.
- Smart Sounds Fans of jazz, classical
and other 'complex' music typically have above-average IQ scores.
- Easy Listeners Fans of country and
Top 40 hits tend to be more conventional, honest and conservative
compared with fans of other genres. 'People who like country
and pop might be more simpleminded, and that's not necessarily
bad. ...They just avoid making things unnecessarily complex.'
- Drama Queens Compared with other
music fans, opera aficionados are three time more likely to
endorse suicide as a solution to family dishonor....dramatic
personalities are drawn to opera, not influenced by it.
- Parental Advisory Parents often
worry that music — whether it's Elvis or Enimen —
promotes sexual or aggressive behavior in teens....[Studies
have found] no direct link. In fact, fans of gangsta rap or
heavy metal are often more timid and shy than other kids...
- Boom Town Extroverts gravitate to
music with a heavy bass line...
- Brain Invasion Whether you can study
or work efficiently while listening to music may depend on how
outgoing you are. Background music can help extroverts focus,
but tends to torment introverts.
- Peak Performance It may work for
Rocky Balboa, but music doesn't always pump up athletes. Motivational
music can give weightlifters an edge. Runners, however, don't
move farther or faster with the help of motivational music.
- Motormouths Fans of energetic music
like dance or soul are more likely to impulsively blurt out
their thoughts, compared with fans of other styles."
— "Music and Personality, What's Your Soundtrack?",
Psychology Today, Feb. 2006
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Music Art
- Without Music, Life Would Be A Mistake.
- Music Can Change The World.
- Music Is Art.
- Music Expresses That Which Cannot Be Said.
— Bed, Bath and Beyond catalog
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- A Cappella:
- Italian for no banjos
or
Italian for 'I don't know the chords'
- Allegro:
- It's a little car — S.F. Trumpeter Al Molina from May/June
2001 TheBlack Rose
- Audition:
- The act of putting oneself under extreme duress to satisfy
the sadistic intentions of someone who has already made up his
mind. — Announcements from 6/14/01 The Colorado Music
Association
- Balalaika:
- Russian for impossible to tune
-
- Conductor:
- A musician who is adept at following many people at the same
time. — Ben Cohen
- Con Moto:
- Yeah baby, I have a car — S.F. Trumpeter Al Molina from
May/June 2001 TheBlack Rose
- Glissando:
- A technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.
- Melody:
- An ancient, now-extinct art in songwriting—The Black
Rose July/August 2001
- Metronome:
- A short, urban musician who can fit into a small car —
S.F. Trumpeter Al Molina from May/June 2001 TheBlack Rose
- Music:
- A complex organization of sounds that is set down by the
composer, incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, ignored
by the musicians, the result of which is abhorred by the audience.—
Ben Cohen
- Musica Ficta:
- When you lose your place and have to bluff until you find
it again.
- Obbligato:
- Being forced to practice — S.F. Trumpeter Al Molina
from May/June 2001 TheBlack Rose
- Opus:
- Exclamation made when the cat "decorates" the new
rug—The Black Rose July/August 2001
- Piu Animato:
- Clean out the cat's litter box or it goes — S.F. Trumpeter
Al Molina from May/June 2001 TheBlack Rose
- Prelude:
- Warm-up before the clever stuff—The Black Rose July/August
2001
- Relative minor:
- A Country-Western guitarist's girlfriend.
- Soprano Sofege:
- do, re, mi, me, Me, Not You, ME!!
- Stipend
- What you call it when it's not real money. —Nigel Tufnel
per Charlie Hall, The Black Rose Acoustic Society Newsletter
Nov/Dec 2000
- Subito piano:
- Indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra player
to become a soloist.
- Successful Musician:
- One whose girlfriend (boyfriend) has at least 2 jobs. —
Ben Cohen
- Vibrato:
- Used by singers (and bass players) to hide the fact that
they are on the wrong pitch.
- Virtuoso:
- A person who can work wonders with easy-play music—The
Black Rose July/August 2001
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- Yoko Ono + Sonny Bono=Yoko Ono Bono
- Dolly Parton + Salvador Dali=Dolly Dali
- Bo Derek + Don Ho=Bo Ho
- Olivia Newton-John + Wayne Newton + Elton John=Olivia Newton-John
Newton John
- Oprah Winfrey + Depak Chopra=Oprah Chopra
- Sondra Locke + Elliott Ness + Herman Munster=Sandra Locke
Ness Munster
- Bea Arthur + Sting=Bea Sting
- Snoop Doggy Dogg + Winnie the Pooh=Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh
- Boog Powell + Felipe Alou=Boog Alou
- Shirley Jones + Tom Ewell + Johnny Rotten + Nathan Hale=Shirley
Ewell Rotten Hale
- Javier Lopez + Keiko the Whale and Edith Piaf + Rose Tu the
Elephant=Javier Keiko and Edith Tu
- Ivana Trump + Orson Bean + King Oscar of Norway + Louis B.
Mayer + Norbert Wiener=Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener
- Woody Allen + Natalie Wood + Gregory Peck + Ben Hur=Woody
Wood Peck Hur
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- JAZZ - Five men on stage all plaing different tunes.
- BLUES - Played exclusively by people who woke upthis morning..
- WORLD MUSIC- A dozen different types of percussion all going
on at once.
- COUNTRY - Celebrating the dysfunctional in everyday life.
- OPERA - People singing when they should be talking.
- RAP - People talking when they should be singing.
- CLASSICAL - Discover the other 45 minutes they left out of
the TV ad.
- FOLK - Endless songs about shipwrecks in the 19th century..
- BIG BAND - 20 men who take it in turns to stand up plus a
drummer.
- HEAVY METAL - Codpiece and chaps.
— Bangs Tapscott, Intermountain Acoustic Musician, July
2004
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- JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
To have a little fun
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son
- MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead
Now it goes to school with her
Between two hunks of bread
- LITTLE MISS MUFFET sat on a tuffet
Her clothes all tattered and torn.
It had not been the spider that crept up beside her
But Little Boy Blue and his horn
- SIMPLE SIMON met a Pieman going to the fair
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman "What have you got there?"
Said the Pieman unto Simon
"Pies, you idiot!"
- THERE WAS A LITTLE GIRL, who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead
And when she was good, she was very very good
But when she was bad, she got a fur coat, jewels, a sports car
- HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the King's horses and all the King's men
Had scrambled eggs on toast for breakfast
- HICKORY DICKORY DOCK
Three mice ran up the clock
The clock struck one
And the others got away with minor injuries
- HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat did a piddle
All over the bedside clock
The little dog laughed to see such fun
And the cat died of electric shock
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Obfuscated Chords
- demented
- suspendered
- fermented
- distinguished
- argumentative
- extinguished
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From "The Doc Stock Banjo Method or Any Jerk Can Play the
Banjo so Why Not You Too?" by Jim Rosenstock. Additional
contributions by others.
- Turkey in the Straw
- Bug in the Taters
- Paddy on the Turnpike
- Fire on the Mountain
- Billy in the Low Ground
- Drugs in the Urine Sample
- Christ on a Crutch
- Monkey in the Dog Cart
- Logs in the Bedpan
- Ducks in the Millpond
- Pigeon on a Gate Post
- Water on the Knee
- Urine on a Fence Post
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Pop's Wisdom
In the 60's and 70's, all you had to do to get a good taste of
wisdom was turn up the volume, close your eyes, and say, "Yeah.
Wow."
- To appreciate diversity
Philosopher: Sly and the Family Stone
Insight: Different strokes for different folks, and
so on and so on and scooby dooby doo-bee. Oh sha sha, we got
to live together.
- To sort of understand Hindu Romance
Philosopher: Iron Butterfly
Insight: In-a-gadda-da-vida, honey, don't you know
that I love you? In-a-gadda-da-viad, baby, don't you know that
I'll always be true?
- To master self-knowledge
Philosopher: Strawberrry Alarm Clock
Insight: Turn on, tune in, turn your eyes around. Look
at yourself.
- To understand free-will
Philosopher: Janis Joplin
Insight: Freedom's just another word for nothing left
to lose. Nothin' don't mean nothin', hon, if it ain't free.
- To achieve world peace
Philosopher: The Youngbloods
Insight: Everybody get together, try to love one another.
Right now.
- And always remember, good vibrations = excitations.
— Denis Boyle, "LifeEtc. Denis Boyle's five-minute
guide to ... Wisdom", AARP the Magazine, March/April, 2006
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You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
- the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase
of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play
one.
- the choir is known as the "OK Chorale".
- high notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.
- the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the
logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.
- instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.
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- AGORAPHOBIA: I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't
Leave My House
- AMNESIA: I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas
- ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER: Silent night, Holy oooh look a kitty - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?
- AUTISTIC: Jingle Bell Rock and Rock and Rock and Rock ...
- BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an
Open Fire
- DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas
- DEPRESSION: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat,
All is Lonely
- MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets
and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks
and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...
- MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Kings Disoriented
Are
- NARCISSISTIC: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
- OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock ........ ....(better start again)
- OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANT DISORDER: I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa
Claus So I Burned Down the House
- PARANOID: Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me
- PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY: On the First Day of Christmas
My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away)
- PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry,
I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
- SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do I Hear What I Hear?
- SENILE DEMENTIA: Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From
My House in My Slippers and Robe
- SOCIAL ANXIETY DISORDER: Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate
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Shaggy Dog Punchlines
- Sing softly and carry a big pick. — Ben Cohen
- Isaac left no tone un-Sterne'd. — Bob Cooke
- I left my harp in Sam Clam's Disco.
- It was the bottom of the Ninth, the basses were loaded, and
the score was tied.
- It's the Moron Tab and apple Choir.
- Opporknockity tunes but once.
- She is just suffering from pre-minstrel tension.
- The magician has a cunning array of stunts.
- You think I wished for a 10-inch pianist?
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- A Pirate Looks at 40, um 50, would you believe 60?
- As Time Goes By
- A Whiter Shade Of Hair
- Back Side of Thirty
- Denture Queen
- Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver
- The First Time I Ever Forgot Your Face
- Forty and Going on Dead
- How Can You Mend A Broken Hip
- I am Woman, Hear me Snore
- I Can't See Clearly Now
- If You're Going to San Francisco (Be Sure to Pack a Business
Suit)
- I Get By With A Little Help From Depends
- I Heard It Through The Grape Nuts
- I May be Used but I'm not Used Up
- It's My Condo and I'll Sell if I Want To
- It's My Procedure and I'll Cry if I Want To
- I've Aged 20 Years in Five
- Knock Three Times on the Ceiling if You Hear Me Fall
- Let's Get Fiscal
- Little CPA
- Middle Age of Aquarius
- Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Walker
- Old and In the Way
- Old Friends
- The Old Gray Mare
- Old Man on the Farm
- Old Nashville Cowboy
- Old Rocking Chair
- On the Throne (Commode) Again
- Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom
- Papa's Got A Brand New Kidney Stone
- Positively 5th Avenue
- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash
- Thirty-Nine and Holding
- Too Old to Change
- Too Old to Cut the Mustard
- Yesterday's Wine
- You Make Me Feel Like Napping
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Thing You Would Never
Hear a Real Texan Say from Kinky Friedman's Guide to Texas
Etiquette
- I think that song needs more French horn.
- I thought Graceland was tacky.
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Things to Think About
Some things to think about:
- If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
- If all the world is a stage, where does the audience sit?
- How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
- Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star
have the same tune?
- If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song
about it?
- American car horns beep in the tone of F.
- One in every 4 Americans has appeared on television.
- The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born
in the USA."
- Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
- The sound of E.T walking was made by someone squishing her
hands in jelly.
- Debra Winger was the voice of E.T.
- A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why.
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- 16 4 words: Rage Against The Bagpipe
- 15 Bob Marley's cause: freedom and equality; U2's cause:
third world debt relief; Your band's cause: irritable bowel
syndrome
- 14 All your members are allergic to Spandex and Aqua Net.
- 13 The term "heavy metal" refers to the collective
weight of the band's orthodontics.
- 12 Critics hail you as the foremost talent in your musical
niche. Your musical niche? Gangsta-Country.
- 11 "I'm sorry, but Sousa tunes set to a hip-hop beat
just isn't what the kids are buying these days, Mr. Boone."
- 10 A Spice Girls cover band just doesn't work if you're 35
years old. And male. And there's only one of you.
- 9 Percussionist always has to wait until the dishwasher cycles
to retrieve his spoons.
- 8 You're too busy making sequels to "The Matrix,"
and besides, your bass playing sucks more than your acting.
- 7 Band motto: "Practice is for wusses."
- 6 Genre: Boy Band. Tour Sponsor: NAMBLA
- 5 Your goals, in order of priority: 1) Score some drugs 2)
Score some chicks 3) Score some instruments
- 4 Your band's video is getting a lot of airplay on MTV —
as a promo for "Jackass."
- 3 Your female lead singer has talent — just not D-cup
talent.
- 2 You keep letting David Lee Roth back in
- 1 Now that you see the jumbo letters on the marquee, you realize
that naming the band "Closed For Private Party" was
a big mistake.
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Thanks to Bob Turner
- "Oy to the World"
- "Schlepping Through a Winter Wonderland"
- "Bubbie Got Run Over by a Reindeer"
- "Enough With Those Jingle Bells, Already"
- "Matzo Man" by the Lower East Side Village People
- "Come On, Baby, Light my Menorah"
- "Deck the Halls With Balls of Challah"
- "Silent Night? I Should Be so Lucky!"
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Thanks to Bangs Tapscott, from Intermountain Acoustic Musician
- The members book separate motel rooms when on the road —
in separate towns
- They don't agree on the key for songs. So they play in several
at the same time.
- They just went in together to buy a bus.
- The Dobro player's wife is selling her belly dance video at
the the record table.
- The forced laughter of the band members at the guitar player's
jokes has gotten appreciable louder.
- The banjo player and the bass player have become romantically
involved.
- The fiddle player who HAD been romantically involved with
the banjo player is now getting close to the guitar player.
- The mandolin player who isn't romantically involved with anyone
has joined a cult.
- Someone asks the lead singer if the tune starts with a turnaround
or a full break. The reply is, "Who wants to know?"
- A band picture has just been taken.
More:
- At the end of a song, the lead singer says to the lead guitar
player, into the microphone, "Well, that sucked."
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Van Gogh's Family Tree
His dizzy aunt |
Verti Gogh |
The brother who ate prunes |
Gotta Gogh |
The brother who worked at a convenience store |
Stop N. Gogh |
The grandfather from Yugoslavia |
Hugh Gogh |
The cousin from Illinois |
Chica Gogh |
His magician uncle |
Where Diddy Gogh |
His Mexican cousin |
Amie Gogh |
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother |
Grin Gogh |
The nephew who drove a stage coach |
Wells Far Gogh |
The constipated uncle |
Cant Gogh |
The ballroom dancing aunt |
Tan Gogh |
The bird lover uncle |
Flamin Gogh |
His nephew psychoanalyst |
E Gogh |
The fruit loving cousin |
Man Gogh |
An aunt who taught positive thinking |
Way To Gogh |
The little bouncy nephew |
Poe Gogh |
A sister who loved disco |
Go Gogh |
A niece who traveled the country in a van |
Winnie Bay Gogh |
A nephew who loved exotic food |
Escar Gogh |
....And there ya Gogh!
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Wordplay
- Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
- A backward poet writes inverse.
- A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
- Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you
A-flat minor.
- He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
- He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
- To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
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