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You Might Be Too Old to Gig, If ...
- Before each gig, you find yourself warming up more parts of your
body than you use to play your instrument.
- It becomes more important to find a place onstage for your box fan
than your amp.
- During the second set, you scream for the drummer to please stop
hitting those annoying cymbals.
- You refuse to play out of tune.
- Your gig clothes make you look like George Burns out for a round
- Your fans have left by 10:30 p.m.
- All you want from groupies is a foot massage and a back rub.
- You love taking the elevator because you can sing along with most
of your set-list..
- You hire band members for their values instead of their talent.
- Instead of a fifth member, your band wants to spring for a roadie
with the extra money.
- You've lost the directions to the gig.
- Prepping for the gig involves plucking hair from your chin or nose.
- Most of the hair you've plucked from your chin or nose is gray.
- You need your glasses to see your amp settings.
- You've thrown out your back jumping off the stage.
- You're thrilled to have New Year's Eve off.
- The waitress is your daughter.
- You stop the set because your bottle of ibuprofen fell behind the
- Most of your crowd just sways in their seats.
- You find your drink tokens from last month's gig in your guitar
- You no longer use a tip jar.
- You refuse to play without earplugs.
- You ask the club owner if you can start at 8:30 p.m. instead of
- You want an opening act.
- You check the TV schedule before booking a gig.
- High notes make you cough.
- Your gig stool has a back.
- You're related to at least one other member of the band.
- Most of the band members want to date your daughter.
- You need a nap before the gig.
- You don't let anyone "sit in."
- After the third set, you bug the club owner to let you quit early.
- During the breaks, you now go to your van to lie down.
- You prefer a music stand with a light.
- You don't recover from a Saturday night gig until Tuesday afternoon.
- You can't operate without a set list.
- You say you double on bass.
- You discourage playing longer than contracted.
- You have a contract.
- You know all the words to "Aqualung."
—the following contributed by
- You don't know (or care) who any of the new bands are.
- You feel like hell before the gig even starts.
- You hope the host's speech lasts forever.
- You buy amps considering their weight and not their tone or cool
- You feel guilty looking at hot women at the bar 'cause they're younger
than your daughter.
- You can remember seven different club names for the same location.
- You have a hazy memory of the days when you could work 10 gigs in
- Your set list is dance-able.
- You think "homey" means cozy and warm.
- You're playing the same venue in three months and you ask the club
owner if you can leave your amp!
- Your son is waiting for the gig to end to drive you and your stuff
home, then go back out and party.
- Your date couldn't make it because she couldn't find a sitter for
- In consideration of your age, the audience requests some British
- On all out of town gigs, you draw straws to see who the driver will
be coming home.
- You start listing your truss as a "business expense".
- You forget to take your Flowmax so all sets that night are only
15 minutes long.
- You get a "Cease and Desist" letter from the Spandex company.
- You play 2 nights in a row, and the next day your body aches like
you played in the Super Bowl!
- You play a Wednesday night gig and call into work sick on Thursday
- The only "Stones" you care about are in your gallbladder
- You have to charge extra money if there are any steps to climb.
- Your hearing has deteriorated so badly that you actually ask the
guitar player to turn himself up.
- You call out the next song only to have someone remind you played
it 10 minutes earlier.
- Your drugs are keeping you alive rather than killing you.
- You worry more about breaking a hip than being hip.
- Musicians half your age are in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame or
have appeared on postage stamps.
- The only white powder to be found amongst the band members is foot
- You look at the song list you provide to clients and realize the
last song you entered under your "top 40" category is "Disco
—the following contributed by J.J.
- The set list has to be in 20 point type.
- Your drug of choice is now coffee.
- It seems impossible to find stage shoes with decent arch support.
- You fart on stage and don't laugh.