Please don't read these pages if you are easily offended.

Questions and Answers

  • Q. How many bluegrass pickers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A. None. They won't touch anything electric. — contributed by Mary Huckins
  • Q. Momma, I think I'm in love with a bass player.
    A. That's okay Honey. They have meds for that now. — contributed by Founders: Bands, Singers, Songwriters, Solo Performers, Sidemen, Instrumentalists, Performers, Entertainers, Musicians, Places to Hear Acoustic Music, Locations, Venues, Clubs, Festivals, Business and Services Supporting Acoustic Music, Music Stores, Musical Instruments, Music Teachers Duane Webster Duane Webster: Bands, Singers, Songwriters, Solo Performers, Sidemen, Instrumentalists, Performers, Entertainers, Musicians
  • Q. You know, my dear, I insured my voice for fifty thousand dollars. — anonymous singer
  • A. That's wonderful. And what did you do with the money? — Miriam Hopkins
  • Q. What did you think of the singer's execution?
  • A. I'm all for it. — Calvin Coolidge
  • Q. How can you make a banjo player's car go faster?
  • A. Take the pizza delivery sign off the roof. — contributed by Greg Kunce
  • Q. What's the difference between a puppy and a singer-songwriter?
  • A. Eventually, the puppy stops whining. —contributed by Ed Skibbe Ed Slibbe: Bands, Singers, Songwriters / Composers, Solo Performers, Sidemen, Instrumentalists, Performers, Entertainers, Musicians, Cowboy Poets
  • Q. What do you call a good musician at a banjo contest?
  • A. A visitor.
  • Q. What's the difference between a banjo player and an Uzi?
  • A. The Uzi only repeats 40 times.
  • Q. How many musician jokes are there?
  • A. Just one - all the rest are true. — contributed by Steve Langer
  • Q. What's the difference between a soprano and a Rottweiler?
  • A. Jewelry. — contributed by Steve Langer
  • Q. What does it say on a blue's singer's tombstone?
  • A. I didn't wake up this morning ....— contributed by Steve Langer
  • Q. Why can't a gorilla play a bass fiddle?
  • A. He's too sensitive. — contributed by Steve Langer
  • Q. What's the difference between a motorcycle and a ukulele?
  • A You can tune a motorcycle.
  • Q. How is a drum kit and a Hoover alike?
  • A. They both have a dirtbag on them.
  • Q. What do you throw a drowning guitar player?
  • A. His amplifier.
  • Q. What do you call the guy who hangs out with the musicians in the band?
  • A. The drummer.
  • Q. What has 3 legs and an idiot on top of it?
  • A. A drum stool.
  • Q. Why are harps like elderly parents?
  • A. Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.
  • Q. There are two tuba players sitting in a car. Who's driving?
  • A. The policeman.
  • Q. What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
  • A. Everyone is relieved when the case is finally closed.
  • Q. Why did the clarinet player marry the accordion player?
  • A. Upward mobility.
  • Q. What do you call a guitar player who only knows two chords?
  • A. A music critic.
  • Q. Did you hear about the bass player who accidentally locked the keys
    in his car?
  • A. It took him an hour to get the drummer out.
  • Q. What's the difference between a drummer and a kaleidoscope?
  • A. One produces a random set of patterns designed to entertain a 4-year-old and the other you aim at a light source and turn.
  • Q. What is the difference between a drummer and a monkey?
  • A. You can train a monkey.
  • Q. How are trumpet players like pirates?
  • A. They're both murder on the high Cs.
  • Q. How do you define perfect pitch?
  • A. When the banjo lands in the MIDDLE of the dumpster.
  • Q.What do you call a musician with a college degree?
  • A. Night manager at McDonald's.
  • Q. What's the last thing a drummer says before he gets kicked out of a band?
  • A. "When do we get to play MY songs?"
  • Q. How can you tell if the stage is level?
  • A. The banjo player drools out of both sides of his mouth.
  • Q. What do you throw a drowning bass player?
  • A. His amp.
  • Q. How do you reduce wind-drag on a trombonist's car?
  • A. Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.
  • Q. What do you do if you run over a banjo player?
  • A. Back up and hit him again.
  • Q. What's the definition of an optimist?
  • A. An accordian player with a pager.
  • Q. What do all great conductors have in common?
  • A. They're all dead.
  • Q. What's the perfect weight of a conductor?
  • A. Three and one-half pounds, including the urn.
  • Q. How many 2nd violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
  • A. None, they can't get up that high.
  • Q. What do you do if you see a bleeding drummer running around in your back yard?
  • A. Stop laughing and shoot again.
  • Q. Why can't chick singers have colostomies?
  • A. Because they can't find shoes to match the bag.
  • Q. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
  • A. A vocalist.
  • Q. How do you get two bass players to play in unison?
  • A. Hand them charts a half-step apart.
  • Q. What goes with boiled potatoes and sings?
  • A. Elvis Parsley — Intermountain Acoustic Musician, Sept. 2006
  • Q. Have you always hated bluegrass?
  • A. No, only when I'm listening to it. — Intermountain Acoustic Musician, Sept. 2006
  • Q. Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall?
  • A. There was a power outage, and twelve banjo players were stuck on the escalators for over four hours.
  • Q. Did you hear about the two banjo players who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
  • A. They went to see "Closed for the Winter."
  • Q. Since the hunchback of Notre Dame couldn't use a modem to get on the internet, what did he use?
  • A. A Quasimodem — Bangs Tapscott, Intermountain Acoustic Musician, Feb. 2005
  • Q. What did the diarrhetic Bristish blues sceptic say to the porter?
  • A. Is there a W. C. Handy? — Bangs Tapscott, Intermountain Acoustic Musician, Feb. 2005
  • Q. Grampa. why do fireflies blink like that?
  • A. Flashing lights on and off helps them find a mate.
  • Q. Does that work with people?
  • A. Not since disco died. — John Allen in "Nest Heads", 8/19/04
  • Q. Why is it people like to sing in the shower, but not while taking a bath?
  • A. Simple. You can't be held under water in the shower. — John Allen in "Nest Heads", 8/17/04
  • Q. What is Martha Stewart’s favorite Bluegrass song?
  • A. How Mountain Girls Can Live
    — contributed by Bob Dolan
  • Q. What is the theme song for Betty Crocker’s Bluegrass Bake-off?
  • A. Roll in my Sweet Baby’s Arms
    — contributed by Bob Dolan
  • Q. What was Glenn Miller’s favorite Celtic tune?
  • A. In the Mode
    contributed by Bob Dolan
  • Q. What was Tarzan’s favorite Bill Monroe song?
  • A. In the Vines – of course he liked it played in a swing style.
    contributed by Bob Dolan
  • Q. Why does the musician have to sing for food?
  • A. How can he make money from free downloads, dude? — Mark Parisi in "Off the Mark", Denver Post, April 25, 2004
  • Q. What do you call a bluegrass band with drums?
  • A. Crabgrass — Bangs Tapscott, Intermountain Acoustic Musician, April 2004
  • Q. Do you know how musicians make a million dollars?
  • A. They start with two.
  • Q. How do musicians spend their time between gigs?
  • A. Saving up for the next gig.
  • Q. Did you hear about the dislexic Celtic musician who walked into a bra? — Founders: Bands, Singers, Songwriters, Solo Performers, Sidemen, Instrumentalists, Performers, Entertainers, Musicians, Places to Hear Acoustic Music, Locations, Venues, Clubs, Festivals, Business and Services Supporting Acoustic Music, Music Stores, Musical Instruments, Music Teachers Ernie Martinez Ernie Martinez: Bands, Singers, Songwriters, Solo Performers, Sidemen, Instrumentalists, Performers, Entertainers, Musicians
  • A. Yep, he went home with the booby prize. — Al Ossinger
  • Q. Why aren't there any banjos on Star Trek?
  • A. Because there are no banjos in the future.
  • Q. How many banjo players does it take to change a light bulb?
  • A. (from banjo player) Into what? — Bangs Tapscott
  • Q. What do you get when you play New Age music backward?
  • A. New Age music
  • Q. Why do bass players grow moustaches?
  • A. So they can use their mothers' IDs to buy beer
  • Q. How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
  • A. One. Five. One. Five.
  • Q. What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common?
  • A. You plug them in and they suck.
  • Q. How many soundmen does it take to change a light bulb?
  • A. One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three.
  • Q. What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
  • A. The sack.
  • Q. Why are conductors' hearts so coveted for transplants?
  • A. They've had such little use.
  • If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off the top of a building, which will hit first?
  • A. Who cares?
  • Q. What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
  • A. The bull has the horns up front and the asshole in the back.
  • Q. What do you have if you laid all the tenors in the world end to end?
  • A. A good idea.
  • Q. What do you call ten baritones at the bottom of the ocean?
  • A. A good start.
  • Q. How does a chick singer change a light bulb?
  • A. She just holds it and the world revolves around her.
  • Q. What's the difference between a chick singer and the PLO?
  • A. You can negotiate with the PLO.
  • Q. How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
  • A. None, the piano player can do it with his left hand.
  • Q. How can you tell when a bass player is really bad?
  • A. Even the bass section notices.
  • Q. Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
  • A. So you don't have to retrain the cellists.
  • Q. Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist?
  • A. Because he turned a peg and wouldn't say which one.
  • Q. What's the difference between a violist and a dog?
  • A. The dog knows when to stop scratching.
  • Q. How do you get a violist to play downbow staccato?
  • A. Put a tenuto mark over a whole note and mark it solo.
  • Q. Why are pianists fingers like lightning?
  • a. They rarely strike the same place twice.
  • Q. Why is a viola like a Scud missile?
  • A. They are both offensive and inaccurate.
  • Q. What's the definition of a quarter tone?
  • A. A harpist tuning unison strings.
  • Q. How can you tell if a violin is out of tune.
  • A. The bow is moving.
  • Q. What's a tuba for?
  • A. About 1 1/2" x 3 1/2"
  • Q. How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
  • A. Sit in the back and don't play.
  • Q. Whats the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead trombonist in the road?
  • A. Skid marks in front of the snake.
  • Q. What's the definition of a gentleman?
  • A. Someone who knows how to play the accordian and doesn't.
  • Q. How do you make a trombone sound like a French Horn?
  • A. Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.
  • Q. How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
  • A. Five: one to handle the bulb and the other four to tell him how much better they could have done it.
  • Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bariton sax?
  • A. Add vibrato.
  • Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you ask for directions: an in-tune tenor sax, and out-of-tune tenor sax, or Santa Clause?
  • A. the out-of-tune tenor because the other two would prove that you'd been halluciating.
  • Q. How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
  • A. Five: One to handle the bulb and the other four to contemplate how David Sanborn would have done it.
  • Q. What's the difference between a lawnmower and a sproano sax?
  • A. You can tune the lawnmower—and the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don't return it.
  • Q. What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
  • A. Gifted.
  • Q. What's the definition of a nerd?
  • A. Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.
  • Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
  • A. To get away from the basoon recital.
  • Q. What's the difference between playing an English Horn solo and wetting your pants?
  • A. They both give you a warm feeling but no one else cares.
  • Q. How do you get two piccolos to play in unison?
  • A. Shoot one.
  • Q. Why is it that so few banjo players sing?
  • A. By keeping their mouths shut less drool leaks out. — Bangs Tapscott, Intermountain Acoustic Musician, June 2003
  • Q. Bluegrass musician wannabe: "Honey, didn't you remember to buy me that banjo I wanted for my birthday tomorrow?"
  • A. Wife: "I remembered; but unfortunately when I got to the music store they were still open." — Bangs Tapscott, Intermountain Acoustic Musician, June 2003
  • Q. Banjo player: "Any requests?"
  • A. Audience member: "Yeah, hold still while I'm throwing these bottles at you." — from Intermountain Acoustic Musician, March 2003
  • Q. How many CD producers does it take to change a light bulb?
  • A. I don't know. What do you think?
  • Q. What is the last line of the national anthem?
  • A. "Gentlemen, start your engines."
  • Q. What's a weapon, Dad?
  • A. An instrument used to hurt somebody
  • Q. Should I give up my accordion lessons? — Johnny Hart, in "B.C.", Dec 15, 2002 Denver Post
  • Q. Do you know the Canadian jazz standard?
  • A. Take the Train-A
  • Q. What do you call parachuting banjo players?
  • A. Skeet
  • Q. What's the difference between a banjo and a vacuum cleaner?
  • A. You can remove the dirtbag from the vacuum cleaner. — Matt Flinner or David Grier at RockyGrass 2002
  • Q: Do you know why violin players have that little cloth tucked under their chin?
  • A: Because violins don't have spit valves.
  • Q: What do you call a guy who likes to hand around with musicians?
  • A: A drummer. — Richard J. Doherty
  • Q. What do you get when you play a Country song backwards?
  • A. You get your car back, your house back, your dog back....
  • Q. Why do banjo players have 'TGIF' painted inside their shoes?
  • A. To remind them, 'toes go in first'. — Intermountain Acoustic Musician, February 2002
  • Q. Why do bluegrass pickers die with their boots on?
  • A. So they won't stub their toes when they kick the bucket.
  • Q. What's the difference between a run-over skunk and a run-over banjo player?
  • A. There's a remote chance the skunk was on its way to a gig.
  • Q. What's the difference between a banjo and a South American Macaw?
  • A. One is loud, obnoxious and noisy. The other is a bird.
  • Q. How many jazz bassists does it take to change a light bulb?
  • A. All of them are too laid back to bother to change it.
  • Q: Two guys are standing on the curb when a taxi pulls up. One is holding a pair of drumsticks, and the other is carrying a guitar. Who is the professional musician?
  • A: The taxi driver.
  • Q: Imagine a singer, a piano player, a bass player, and a drummer sitting around a table. If you drop a hundred-dollar bill in the middle and tell them they're free to take it, who's getting it?
  • A: The piano player. Why? The bass player is too slow. For the singer, it's too little money, and the drummer didn't get the assignment.
  • Q: What would a musician do if he won a million dollars?
  • A: Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.
  • Q: What's the difference between a musician and a mutual fund?
  • A: The mutual fund eventually matures and earns money.
  • Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
  • A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old lightbulb was.
  • Q: Do you know how many jazz musicians it takes to change a lightbulb?
  • A1: No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
  • A2: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen in on the guest list.
  • Q. What is the definition of "optimism"?
  • A. A banjo player with an answering machine.
  • Q: What do you do when a guitar player shows up at your door?
  • A: Pay him for the pizza.
  • Q: How do you know when there are banjo players at your door?
  • A: They can't find the key, the knock has no rhythm, and they don't know
    when to come in.
  • Q: What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
  • A: It brings tears to your eyes when you chop up an onion.
  • Q: What's the difference between a banjo and a trampoline?
  • A: You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
  • Q. What's the Alaska state song?
  • A. I Only Have Ice for You
  • —Jim Jones
  • Q. Why does a drummer have twice the brains of a horse?
  • A. So he won't crap in the street during a parade. — heard at the 2001 RockyGrass Academy "Advanced" bass class
  • Q. What's the best thing to play on a bass?
  • A. Poker
  • —heard at the 2001 RockyGrass Academy "Advanced" bass class
  • Q. Why did it take the banjo player two days to wash one basement window?
  • A. It took him a day and a half just to dig the hole to put the ladder in.
  • Q. How many banjo players does it take to eat a possum?
  • A. Two: one to eat and one to watch for cars
  • Q. What's the difference between a banjo player and Dr. Scholl's footpads?
  • A. Dr. Scholl's footpads buck up the feet.
  • Q. Why can't a gorilla play a hoedown fiddle?
  • A. He's too sensitive
  • Q. How do guitar flatpickers traditionally greet each other?
  • A. "Hi. I'm better than you."
  • Q. What's the difference between bluegrass musicians and government bonds?
  • A. Government bonds eventually mature
  • Q: What's the range of a 6 string bass?
  • A: 25 yards if you have a good arm.
  • Q:How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
  • A: None...Roland now makes a machine that does it perfectly.
  • Q. What is the difference between at cello and a coffin?
  • A. With a coffin, the dead person is on the inside.
  • Q. Did you know a violin and a viola are the same size?
  • A. Yeah, the violin player's head is bigger.
  • Q. How can you tell when a musician is well-hung?
  • A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
  • Q: What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
  • A: A violin never had beer spilled on it.
  • Q: How do you shut up a drummer?
  • A: Put sheet music in front of him
  • Q: What do you call a dozen oboes in a pile?
  • A: Kindling.
  • Q: Why do bagpipers walk while they play?
  • A: To get away from the noise.
  • Q: What's the new slogan for the democratic party?
  • A: It's my party and I'll cry if I want to
  • Q: What do you get when you cross a long-haired, long-nosed dog with a cantaloupe?
  • A: A melon collie baby
  • Q: Why is a resonator banjo better than an open-back banjo?
  • A: It crunches more when you run over it with a truck.
  • Q: What do you get when you cross a mandolin player with a parking meter?
  • A: A parking meter that speeds up.
  • Q: How do you fix a broken tuba?
  • A: With a tuba glue.
  • Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?
  • A: A tattoo.
  • Q: What do you call a guitar player with two brain cells?
  • A: Pregnant.
  • Q: What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
  • A: "The Defendant"
  • Q: What do clarinetists use for birth control?
  • A: Their personalities.
  • Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?
  • A: Saliva.
  • Q: What do you call a jazz musician who's just broken up with his girlfriend?
  • A: Homeless.
  • Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
  • A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
  • Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
  • A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
  • Q: Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players?
  • A: It saves time in the long run.
  • Q: What's the difference between a guitar player and a large pizza?
  • A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.
  • Q: Why are music jokes so short?
  • A: So the bass player can understand them.
  • Q: How are musicians like linoleum?
  • A: Lay them once and you can walk on them forever.
  • Q: What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
  • A : About three decibels.
  • Q: What's the latest crime wave in New York City?
  • A: Drive-by trombone solos.
  • Q: What's the definition of a minor second interval?
  • A: Two Soprano Sax players reading off the same part.
  • Q: What is another term for trombone?
  • A: A wind driven, manually operated, pitch approximator.
  • Q: How do you get an oboist to play A flat?
  • A: Take the batteries out of his electronic tuner.
  • Q: What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?
  • A: On or off.
  • Q: What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
  • A: A bad oboist can kill you.
  • Q: Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
  • A: So they can park in the handicapped zones.
  • Q: What's the difference between a girl singer and a pit bull?
  • A: Lipstick.
  • Q: Why do people play trombone?
  • A: Because they can't move their fingers and read music at the same time.
  • Q: How does a violist's brain cell die?
  • A: Alone.
  • Q: How do you stop the spread of AIDS?
  • A: Let BMG distribute it.
  • Q: What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
  • A: A music critic.
  • Q: How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
  • A: Put it in a viola case.
  • Q: What do a bass solo and premature ejaculation have in common?
  • A: You know it's coming and there's nothing you can do about it.
  • Q: What will you never say about a banjo player?
  • A: That's the banjo player's new Porsche.
  • Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
  • A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
  • Q: Why are harps like elderly parents?
  • A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.
  • Q: How many trumpet players does it take to pave a driveway?
  • A: Seven- if you lay them out correctly.
  • Q: What's the first thing a girl singer does in the morning?
  • A: Puts on her clothes and goes home.
  • Q : What's the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?
  • A: You can hit a baseball further with a bassoon.
  • Q: What's the difference between a mountain dulcimer and a hammered dulcimer?
  • A: The hammered dulcimer burns longer.
  • Q: How are a banjo player and a blind javelin thrower alike?
  • A: Both command immediate attention and alarm, and force everyone to move out of range.
  • Q: What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a baby elephant? A: Eleven pounds.
  • Q: Why are violist's fingers like lightning?
  • A: They rarely strike the same spot twice.
  • Q: What's the difference between alto clef and Greek?
  • A: Some conductors actually read Greek.
  • Q: How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?
  • A: On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.
  • Q: What is the difference between a violist and a prostitute?
  • A. Prostitutes have a better sense of rhythm.

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