AcousticByLines Quotes, Jokes, Stories

Quotes, Jokes, Stories

Stories

The Accompanist

Alcohol Warning

Beethoven

Blues for Beginners

Blues Lawsuit

Corporate Mentality at the Symphony

Counseling

Cure For The Poor Musician

Dear Abby

Flu Prevention

Franz Kafka

Frog Story

Funeral Service

The Great Writer

Guitar Player in Hell

Heaven

Heaven Part 2

Heaven Part 3

History of Music

Hokey Pokey

How Sidemen were Created

How Yodeling Began

IQs

Irving Berlin

Itzhak Perlman Story

Jack Benny

Jazz Philosophy

John Stump Awarded Prize

The Life and Art of Bass Playing

Microsoft Commercial

My New Car

Paderewski Story

Philanthropy

Piano Player

Prison Quartet

Quantas

Revenge of the Musician

Robby, the Prodigy

Rock'n'Roll Philosophy

Rock On

Saxophone Player

Scottish Hospital

Scottish Student

Sea Story

Sholom Aleichem

Singing Country Music

Singing in Church

Sleeping With the Guitar Player

Sound System Suck Button

Symphonic Break

Taps

Tea for Two

Three Girlfriends

Transylvanian Epic

The Twelve Days of Christmas

The Wedding Combo

World's Best Drummer

Woody Guthry

Yogi Berra Explains Jazz

1812 Overture - Please Don't Try This at Home

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The Accompanist

A vocalist hired a piano player to accompany her at an audition for a night-club job. After listening to a couple of songs, the owner said, "Can you sing 'When Sonny Gets Blue?' It's my favorite song. If you can sing it, you're hired."

The singer whispered to the piano player, "I don't know it all the way through." The piano player said, "I know it. Go ahead and start, and I'll prompt you."

Reluctantly, she began: "When Sonny Gets Blue . . ." She looked at the piano player for help. He whispered confidently, "B-flat minor ninth."

— contributed by Founders: Bands, Singers, Songwriters, Solo Performers, Sidemen, Instrumentalists, Performers, Entertainers, Musicians, Places to Hear Acoustic Music, Locations, Venues, Clubs, Festivals, Business and Services Supporting Acoustic Music, Music Stores, Musical Instruments, Music Teachers Bob Turner Bob Turner: Bands, Singers, Songwriters, Solo Performers, Sidemen, Instrumentalists, Performers, Entertainers, Musicians

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Corporate Mentality at the Symphony

A corporation president was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert's Unfinished Symphony. Since she was unable to go, she passed the ticket on to her first lieutenant. The next morning the president asked him how he enjoyed it, and instead of receiving a few pleasant observations of the performance, she was handed a memorandum which read as follows:

  1. For a considerable time, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced and their work spread over the whole orchestra, thus avoiding peaks of inactivity.
  2. All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems unnecessary duplication, and the staff of this section should be drastically cut. If a large volume of sound is really required, this could be obtained through the use of amplification.
  3. Much effort was involved in playing the sixteenth notes. This seems an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes should be rounded up to the nearest eight note. If this were done, it would be possible to use paraprofessionals instead of experienced musicians.
  4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes.
  5. This symphony had two movements. If Schubert didn't achieve his musical goals by the end of the first movement, then he should have stopped there. The second movement is unnecessary and should be cut.

In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert given attention to these matters, he probably would have had time to finish the symphony.

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Counseling

After years of hiding the fact that the love is gone, the last child moves out of the house and Mom and Dad announce that they're getting a divorce. The kids are totally distraught and pay for a session with the world's most famous marriage counselor as a last stab at keeping their parents together.

The counselor works for hours, tries all of his methods, but the couple still won't even talk to each other.

Finally he goes over to a closet, brings out a beautiful upright bass and begins to just shred. After a minute, the couple start talking. The therapist keeps soloing on the bass and the couple discover that they're not actually that far apart and decide to give their marriage another try.

The kids are amazed and ask the doctor how he managed it.

The doctor replies "I've never seen a couple that wouldn't talk through a bass solo."

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Cure For The Poor Musician

A patient goes to the doctor and complains that he has not been able to evacuate his bowels for over a month. The astonished doctor gives him some very strong laxative telling him to come back the next day.

The following day the patient returns saying that he took the medicine, but was still not been able to relieve himself. The doctor is amazed and takes him to the surgery toilet, where he gives him an injection of a very powerful laxative guaranteed to have an immediate effect.

However, after half an hour of much straining on the toilet, the treatment fails to produce any result.

Doctor: "This is unbelievable! Please come into my office, you obviously have a psychological problem. I shall have to ask you some questions: firstly, what do you do for a living?"

Patient: "I'm a jazz musician."

Doctor: "Well, why didn't you say so in the first place!? (takes money out of his wallet) Here, go and get yourself something to eat!"

— contributed by Founders: Bands, Singers, Songwriters, Solo Performers, Sidemen, Instrumentalists, Performers, Entertainers, Musicians, Places to Hear Acoustic Music, Locations, Venues, Clubs, Festivals, Business and Services Supporting Acoustic Music, Music Stores, Musical Instruments, Music Teachers Bob Turner Bob Turner: Bands, Singers, Songwriters, Solo Performers, Sidemen, Instrumentalists, Performers, Entertainers, Musicians

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Franz

Born in 1883, the spiritual genius Franz Kafka was unsung in life. But more: Before his death at 40 from tuberculosis, he asked friend Max Brod to burn his work. Brod didn't -- and Kafka never knew his name would be so universally known it became an adjective -- Kafkaesque.

— contributed by Founders: Bands, Singers, Songwriters, Solo Performers, Sidemen, Instrumentalists, Performers, Entertainers, Musicians, Places to Hear Acoustic Music, Locations, Venues, Clubs, Festivals, Business and Services Supporting Acoustic Music, Music Stores, Musical Instruments, Music Teachers Bob Turner Bob Turner: Bands, Singers, Songwriters, Solo Performers, Sidemen, Instrumentalists, Performers, Entertainers, Musicians

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Frog Story

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says: "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

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The Great Writer

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

— contributed by Joyce Geyser

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Heaven

Ronald Reagan arrived at the Pearly Gates this week, and was met by St. Peter. Reagan was stunned for a moment. "You mean, I—-I'm in?" he asked. "That's right" said St. Peter. "Come on, man. I'll show you around."

He tossed the keys to a brand new Lincoln Town Car at Reagan, and said, "You drive. This is your car, for the rest of eternity." Reagan was buoyant as they drove along the streets of Heaven, through sunny neighborhoods.

Finally they came to a fancy part of town, with big lawns and swimming pools. St. Peter told Reagan that this is where he would be living. "That's Franklin Roosevelt's house over there," St. Peter pointed out as they drove, "And that's where Albert Einstein lives, next to Madame Curie. Pope John Paul XXIII lives here....and here's your house."

They pulled into the driveway, and got out. As Reagan was looking around, he noticed up in the hills a palace made of shimmering, white granite. He could see it was enormous, with room after room, and terraces with dozens of gold fountains.

"That must be where the Lord lives," said Reagan.

St. Peter shook his head."No, that's Ray Charles' place," he said.

Reagan's smile faltered for amoment. "Ray Charles lives there? How come all the presidents, scientists and popes live here, and Ray Charles lives up in that palace? I don't get it."

St. Peter chuckled. "Ronnie," he said, "Presidents and Popes are a dime a dozen. But baby, there's only one Ray Charles."

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Heaven - Part 2

A jazz pianist dies and finds himself in heaven. He runs into an old friend and says, "Bob, you
made it too.....that's great!

"Yeah, turns out God's a big jazz fan. All of the cats are here, and every day is a non-stop jam
session with a never ending supply of wine, women and food. But there's just one drawback......"

"What's that?"

"Well, God has a girlfriend, and she's a singer."

— contributed by Founders: Bands, Singers, Songwriters, Solo Performers, Sidemen, Instrumentalists, Performers, Entertainers, Musicians, Places to Hear Acoustic Music, Locations, Venues, Clubs, Festivals, Business and Services Supporting Acoustic Music, Music Stores, Musical Instruments, Music Teachers Bob Turner Bob Turner: Bands, Singers, Songwriters, Solo Performers, Sidemen, Instrumentalists, Performers, Entertainers, Musicians

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Heaven - Part 3

St. Peter's checking I.D.s. He asks the first in line, "What did you do on Earth?" The response was, "I was a doctor." St. Peter says, "OK, go right through those Pearly Gates."

"Next, what did you do on Earth?" The response was, "I was a teacher." St. Peter says, "OK, go right through those Pearly Gates."

"Next, what did you do on Earth?" The response was, "I was a musician." St. Peter says, "Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen...."

— contributed by Steven Langer

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Hokey Pokey

"The following is from the Washington Post Style Invitational contest that asks readers to submit "instructions" for something (anything), but written in the style of a famous person. The winning entry was The Hokey Pokey (as written by W. Shakespeare)

"O proud left foot, that ventures quick within Then soon upon a backward journey lithe Anon, once more the gesture, then begin Command sinistral pedestal to writhe Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke, mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl To spin! A wilde release from Heavens yoke Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl The Hoke, the poke — banish now thy doubt Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about — Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls"

— contributed by Scott Dahms

I don't usually pass on sad news like this, but sometimes we need to pause and remember what life is all about. There was a great loss recently in the entertainment world. Larry LaPrise, the Detroit native who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died last week at age 83. It was especially difficult for the family to keep him in the casket. They'd put his left leg in ...

Seen on a bumper sticker: "What if the Hokey Pokey IS what it's all about?"

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IQs

Two women were at a bar and one said, "Hey, I had my IQ checked and it was 175, The other responded "That's a coincidence. So is mine, what do you do for a living?" "I'm a physicist." was the reply. Again came "that's a coincidence. So am I."

This was overheard at a nearby table and these two compared IQs at 160 and were surprised that they were both brain surgeons.

At another nearby table one man despondently said to the other "Did you hear that? I had my IQ checked and it was only 52." The other said, rather enthusiastically, "That's a coincidence. So is mine. What instrument do you play?"

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Irving Berlin

1888: Siberia, Leah and Moses Baline had a son, Irving who grew up to be one of the worlds foremost composers, Irving Berlin. The family, running from the Cossacks, came to New York. After Moses died of overwork, Irving (Izzy) quit school at eight to peddle newspapers, hoping to get mama a rocking chair. Izzy also sang in saloons, accompanying himself on the black keys. But more: A printing error on sheet music anointed him...and he became "Berlin" The ragtime creator who composed White Christmas got mom a new rocker (and a mansion) but continued to compose in only one key sharp.

— contributed by Founders: Bands, Singers, Songwriters, Solo Performers, Sidemen, Instrumentalists, Performers, Entertainers, Musicians, Places to Hear Acoustic Music, Locations, Venues, Clubs, Festivals, Business and Services Supporting Acoustic Music, Music Stores, Musical Instruments, Music Teachers Bob Turner Bob Turner: Bands, Singers, Songwriters, Solo Performers, Sidemen, Instrumentalists, Performers, Entertainers, Musicians

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Jack Benny

Jack Benny, (Benjamin Kubelsky, 1894), was given a violin at six. But more: When he was invited to the White House, security inquired as to what was in his case. Benny quipped it was a machine gun. The marine smiling, said, "You can pass, then. For a minute I thought it was your violin."

— contributed by Founders: Bands, Singers, Songwriters, Solo Performers, Sidemen, Instrumentalists, Performers, Entertainers, Musicians, Places to Hear Acoustic Music, Locations, Venues, Clubs, Festivals, Business and Services Supporting Acoustic Music, Music Stores, Musical Instruments, Music Teachers Bob Turner Bob Turner: Bands, Singers, Songwriters, Solo Performers, Sidemen, Instrumentalists, Performers, Entertainers, Musicians

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Microsoft Commercial

Where do you want to go today?

Straight to hell, apparently.

The other day I saw another Microsoft commercial on TV: sublime choral music drifts through the background as the unseen user surfs through the Internet and various Microsoft content using Internet Explorer. The commercial closes with the Microsoft slogan "Where do you want to go today?" and a final, furious blast of music.

It's a very cool effect.

But if you dig a little deeper...

As it turns out, the background music is the Dies Irae of Mozart's Requiem Mass. And the words of the final blast of music which accompanies "Where do you want to go today?" are actually "confutatis maledictis, flammis acribus addictis..." In English: "When the damned are confounded, and consigned to sharp flames..."; which describes exactly where I want to go today.

Unfortunately, while Explorer will take you to hell for free, the upgrade to purgatory is pretty steep.

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Piano Player

A piano player is working a very sophisticated high class restaurant. He is playing a Beethoven sonata. He's murdering it... notes all over the floor. For his second number he plays a Mozart sonata. Once again he's butchering it. The patrons are getting restless.

For his third piece, he launches into Rachmaninoff's' Second Piano Concerto. The audience starts throwing things from the table at him.

Finally he stops. He suddenly gets up and with great indignation says "What's the matter with you people? I didn't write this shit."

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Prison Quartet

"While I was preaching in a church in Mississippi, the pastor announced that their prison quartet would be singing the following evening. I wasn't aware there was a prison in the vicinity and I looked forward to hearing them.

The next evening, I was puzzled when four members of the church approached the stage. Then the pastor introduced them.

'This is our prison quartet,' he said, 'behind a few bars and always looking for the key.'"

— Tom Stuart

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Quantas

After every flight, Quantas Airline pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas' pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. (P= The problem logged by the pilot. S= The solution and action taken by mechanics.)
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P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
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P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

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Philanthropy

A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics.

He inquired of the tour guide, "Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?"

"No," replied the guide. "It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer."

"Never heard of him. What did he write?"

"A check," replied the guide.

— contributed by Harry Tuft

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Revenge of the Musician

A musician who's spent his whole life trying to break into the big time is feeling very depressed. He's been turned down by every single record company in the country, and no-one seems to recognize his unique genius other than his Mum.

So he decides to top himself, and dreams up an ingenious plan to get back at all the institutions who've rejected him all his life.

He goes into a recording studio and tells the engineer to record exactly what he says, and then copy it onto 1000 CDs, and send them out to all the record execs in the country.

He goes into the vocal booth, the red light goes on, and he begins;

"This is a message to all you sycophantic, talentless bastards who've ignored me all these years. I dedicated my life to writing beautiful, emotive, soul-touching music, and all you wankers do is bin my tapes and sign pretty-boy bands and the Spice Girls. Well, I've taken all I can of your puerile, shallow industry, and it's YOU who've driven me to it!!! Bye-bye, murderers of art!!"

With that, he pulled out a gun and sprayed his brains all over the studio wall.

The sound engineer glanced up and said "...yep,..okay - that's fine for level. Wanna go for a take?"

— contributed by Founders: Bands, Singers, Songwriters, Solo Performers, Sidemen, Instrumentalists, Performers, Entertainers, Musicians, Places to Hear Acoustic Music, Locations, Venues, Clubs, Festivals, Business and Services Supporting Acoustic Music, Music Stores, Musical Instruments, Music Teachers Bob Turner Bob Turner: Bands, Singers, Songwriters, Solo Performers, Sidemen, Instrumentalists, Performers, Entertainers, Musicians

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"Rock On"

"Who knew that cancer surgeon Brock Lynch would hang up his scalpel in 1995 only to become an internationally acclaimed singer and dancer? Lynch, 83, is a member of the Young@Heart Chorus, a Massachusetts-based broup of high-energy retirees—ranging in age from 71 to 89— who belt out rock, hip-hop and pop songs around the globe. The chorus stars in the award-winning documentary Young@Heart, opening April 9 [2008] in New York and Los Angeles, later nationwide. Says former nurse's assistant Helen Boston, 78, of her chorus experience: 'This is the most wonderful thing in the world. It gave me another life.'" — "Now Hear This / People, Trends And Ideas," AARP Bulletin, April, 2008

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Saxophone Player

A very intense, self-absorbed saxophone player is sitting at the bar after playing all night. A beautiful woman shyly approaches him and says, "Excuse me, I hate to intrude, but I just have to tell you that I saw you play tonight. I have never been so deeply affected by music before. It's like it woke up my mind and my heart. It also woke me up as a woman. Your music touched me so deeply that I just want to take you home with me and make mad passionate love to you all night long."

The saxophone player stares at her for a moment and asks, "Did you see the first set or the second set?"

— contributed by Founders: Bands, Singers, Songwriters, Solo Performers, Sidemen, Instrumentalists, Performers, Entertainers, Musicians, Places to Hear Acoustic Music, Locations, Venues, Clubs, Festivals, Business and Services Supporting Acoustic Music, Music Stores, Musical Instruments, Music Teachers Bob Turner Bob Turner: Bands, Singers, Songwriters, Solo Performers, Sidemen, Instrumentalists, Performers, Entertainers, Musicians

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The Scottish Student

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English University and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whisky).

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Mother," he replied, "They're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."

"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful neighbours?"

"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. Ijust stay here calmly, playing my bagpipes."

— Bangs Tapscott, Intermountain Acoustic Musician, March 2005

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Sholom Aleichem

Sholom Aleichem, the Yiddish Mark Twain died at 57, on May 13, 1916 in a Bronx apartment. But more: As he always numbered page number "13" as "12a", every anniversary of his death is observed as May "12a". His will also stipulated: Preserve your Yiddishkeit. I don't want any monuments. If people read my books, that will be my best monument.

— contributed by Founders: Bands, Singers, Songwriters, Solo Performers, Sidemen, Instrumentalists, Performers, Entertainers, Musicians, Places to Hear Acoustic Music, Locations, Venues, Clubs, Festivals, Business and Services Supporting Acoustic Music, Music Stores, Musical Instruments, Music Teachers Bob Turner Bob Turner: Bands, Singers, Songwriters, Solo Performers, Sidemen, Instrumentalists, Performers, Entertainers, Musicians

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Singing Country Music

A medical student was in the morgue one day after classes, getting a little practice in before the final exams. He went over to a table where a body was lying face down. He removed the sheet over the body and to his surprise he found a cork in the corpse's rectum. Figuring this was fairly unusual, he pulled the cork out, and to his surprise, music began playing "On the road again... Just can't wait to get on the road again..."

The student was amazed, and placed the cork back in the rectum. The music stopped. Totally freaked out, the student called the Medical Examiner over to the corpse. "Look at this. This is really something!" the student told the examiner as he pulled the cork back out again. "On the road again... Just can't wait to get on the road again..."

"So what?", the Medical Examiner replied, obviously unimpressed with the student's discovery. "But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" asked the student. "Are you kidding?" replied the Examiner, "Any asshole can sing country music."

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Singing in Church

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind.

The pastor shouted out "CROSS.." Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS."

The pastor hollered out "GRACE." The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound."

The pastor said "POWER" The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD".

The Pastor said "SEX." The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing "PRECIOUS MEMORIES."

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Tea for Two

Warren Covington used to have an arrangement of "Tea for Two Cha-Cha" that had a carefully rehearsed break on the downbeat of the 15th measure, with total silence until the beginning of the 17th.

One night, Doug Mettome found the opening irresistible. When the band hit the break, Doug stood up and shouted,"Pennsylvania six, five thousand!" The rest of the band did not come back in on the 17th bar, or anywhere else. They had all collapsed with laughter.

— contributed by Founders: Bands, Singers, Songwriters, Solo Performers, Sidemen, Instrumentalists, Performers, Entertainers, Musicians, Places to Hear Acoustic Music, Locations, Venues, Clubs, Festivals, Business and Services Supporting Acoustic Music, Music Stores, Musical Instruments, Music Teachers Bob Turner Bob Turner: Bands, Singers, Songwriters, Solo Performers, Sidemen, Instrumentalists, Performers, Entertainers, Musicians

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Three Girlfriends

Three girlfriends had gathered for a lunch date and of course they started talking about the men they had been dating.

The first one said that she had been dating a banjo player but she was a little disappointed because he always had those finger picks on and she couldn't stand it when he touched her with those "claws".

The next one said she had been dating a fiddle player but he was such a nuisance because all he thought about was fiddling around all the time.

The third one was smiling and when they asked her about it she said she had been dating a mandolin picker. She said he was a great guy and "Do you gals know what tremolo means?"

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Woody Guthry

In the union halls where Guthry often played one heckler shouted out, “where we come from folks use songs like yours for toilet paper!”

Woody is reported to have answered that he knew different types of folks need to absorb knowledge in all sorts of creative ways.

— Daniel W. Bennett

— contributed by Saul Rosenthal

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World's Best Drummer

A letter arrives at Gene Krupa's house addressed to, "The World's Best Drummer." Krupa says, "This isn't for me, I'm not the world's best drummer."

He sends it to Louie Bellson, who also refuses to open it. It goes around to all the great drummers until it reaches Buddy Rich, who says, '"This is for me," and opens it.

The letter begins, "Dear Ringo..."

— contributed by Bill Donaldson

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