Stories
Philanthropy
Piano Player
Prison Quartet
Quantas
Sholom Aleichem
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The Accompanist
A vocalist hired a piano player to accompany her at an audition
for a night-club job. After listening to a couple of songs, the
owner said, "Can you sing 'When Sonny Gets Blue?' It's my
favorite song. If you can sing it, you're hired."
The singer whispered to the piano player, "I don't know
it all the way through." The piano player said, "I know
it. Go ahead and start, and I'll prompt you."
Reluctantly, she began: "When Sonny Gets Blue . . ."
She looked at the piano player for help. He whispered confidently,
"B-flat minor ninth."
— contributed by Bob Turner
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A corporation president was given a ticket for a performance
of Schubert's Unfinished Symphony. Since she was unable to go,
she passed the ticket on to her first lieutenant. The next morning
the president asked him how he enjoyed it, and instead of receiving
a few pleasant observations of the performance, she was handed
a memorandum which read as follows:
- For a considerable time, the oboe players had nothing to do.
Their number should be reduced and their work spread over the
whole orchestra, thus avoiding peaks of inactivity.
- All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems
unnecessary duplication, and the staff of this section should
be drastically cut. If a large volume of sound is really required,
this could be obtained through the use of amplification.
- Much effort was involved in playing the sixteenth notes. This
seems an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all
notes should be rounded up to the nearest eight note. If this
were done, it would be possible to use paraprofessionals instead
of experienced musicians.
- No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage
that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant
passages were eliminated, the concert could be reduced from
two hours to twenty minutes.
- This symphony had two movements. If Schubert didn't achieve
his musical goals by the end of the first movement, then he
should have stopped there. The second movement is unnecessary
and should be cut.
In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert
given attention to these matters, he probably would have had time
to finish the symphony.
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Counseling
After years of hiding the fact that the love is gone, the last
child moves out of the house and Mom and Dad announce that they're
getting a divorce. The kids are totally distraught and pay for
a session with the world's most famous marriage counselor as a
last stab at keeping their parents together.
The counselor works for hours, tries all of his methods, but
the couple still won't even talk to each other.
Finally he goes over to a closet, brings out a beautiful upright
bass and begins to just shred. After a minute, the couple start
talking. The therapist keeps soloing on the bass and the couple
discover that they're not actually that far apart and decide to
give their marriage another try.
The kids are amazed and ask the doctor how he managed it.
The doctor replies "I've never seen a couple that wouldn't
talk through a bass solo."
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Cure For The Poor Musician
A patient goes to the doctor and complains that he has not been
able to evacuate his bowels for over a month. The astonished doctor
gives him some very strong laxative telling him to come back the
next day.
The following day the patient returns saying that he took the
medicine, but was still not been able to relieve himself. The
doctor is amazed and takes him to the surgery toilet, where he
gives him an injection of a very powerful laxative guaranteed
to have an immediate effect.
However, after half an hour of much straining on the toilet,
the treatment fails to produce any result.
Doctor: "This is unbelievable! Please come into my office,
you obviously have a psychological problem. I shall have to ask
you some questions: firstly, what do you do for a living?"
Patient: "I'm a jazz musician."
Doctor: "Well, why didn't you say so in the first place!?
(takes money out of his wallet) Here, go and get yourself something
to eat!"
— contributed by Bob Turner
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Born in 1883, the spiritual genius Franz Kafka was unsung in
life. But more: Before his death at 40 from tuberculosis, he asked
friend Max Brod to burn his work. Brod didn't -- and Kafka never
knew his name would be so universally known it became an adjective
-- Kafkaesque.
— contributed by Bob Turner
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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see
from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So
he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat
and go on a long vacation."
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants
to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and
the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick
Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money
and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan.
She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog
says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink
porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly
formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult
with the manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says: "There's a frog called Kermit
Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000,
and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the
tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick
knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling
Stone."
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The Great Writer
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire
to become a great writer.
When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff
that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to
on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream,
cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
— contributed by Joyce Geyser
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Heaven
Ronald Reagan arrived at the Pearly Gates this week, and was
met by St. Peter. Reagan was stunned for a moment. "You mean,
I—-I'm in?" he asked. "That's right" said
St. Peter. "Come on, man. I'll show you around."
He tossed the keys to a brand new Lincoln Town Car at Reagan,
and said, "You drive. This is your car, for the rest of eternity."
Reagan was buoyant as they drove along the streets of Heaven,
through sunny neighborhoods.
Finally they came to a fancy part of town, with big lawns and
swimming pools. St. Peter told Reagan that this is where he would
be living. "That's Franklin Roosevelt's house over there,"
St. Peter pointed out as they drove, "And that's where Albert
Einstein lives, next to Madame Curie. Pope John Paul XXIII lives
here....and here's your house."
They pulled into the driveway, and got out. As Reagan was looking
around, he noticed up in the hills a palace made of shimmering,
white granite. He could see it was enormous, with room after room,
and terraces with dozens of gold fountains.
"That must be where the Lord lives," said Reagan.
St. Peter shook his head."No, that's Ray Charles' place,"
he said.
Reagan's smile faltered for amoment. "Ray Charles lives
there? How come all the presidents, scientists and popes live
here, and Ray Charles lives up in that palace? I don't get it."
St. Peter chuckled. "Ronnie," he said, "Presidents
and Popes are a dime a dozen. But baby, there's only one Ray Charles."
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Heaven - Part 2
A jazz pianist dies and finds himself in heaven. He runs into
an old friend and says, "Bob, you
made it too.....that's great!
"Yeah, turns out God's a big jazz fan. All of the cats are
here, and every day is a non-stop jam
session with a never ending supply of wine, women and food. But
there's just one drawback......"
"What's that?"
"Well, God has a girlfriend, and she's a singer."
— contributed by Bob Turner
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Heaven - Part 3
St. Peter's checking I.D.s. He asks the first in line, "What
did you do on Earth?" The response was, "I was a doctor."
St. Peter says, "OK, go right through those Pearly Gates."
"Next, what did you do on Earth?" The response was,
"I was a teacher." St. Peter says, "OK, go right
through those Pearly Gates."
"Next, what did you do on Earth?" The response was,
"I was a musician." St. Peter says, "Go around
the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen...."
— contributed by Steven Langer
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"The following is from the Washington Post Style Invitational
contest that asks readers to submit "instructions" for
something (anything), but written in the style of a famous person.
The winning entry was The Hokey Pokey (as written by W. Shakespeare)
"O proud left foot, that ventures quick within Then soon
upon a backward journey lithe Anon, once more the gesture, then
begin Command sinistral pedestal to writhe Commence thou then
the fervid Hokey-Poke, mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl To spin!
A wilde release from Heavens yoke Blessed dervish! Surely canst
go, girl The Hoke, the poke — banish now thy doubt Verily,
I say, 'tis what it's all about — Jeff Brechlin, Potomac
Falls"
— contributed by Scott Dahms
I don't usually pass on sad news like this, but sometimes we
need to pause and remember what life is all about. There was a
great loss recently in the entertainment world. Larry LaPrise,
the Detroit native who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey"
died last week at age 83. It was especially difficult for the
family to keep him in the casket. They'd put his left leg in ...
Seen on a bumper sticker: "What if the Hokey Pokey IS what
it's all about?"
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IQs
Two women were at a bar and one said, "Hey, I had my IQ
checked and it was 175, The other responded "That's a coincidence.
So is mine, what do you do for a living?" "I'm a physicist."
was the reply. Again came "that's a coincidence. So am I."
This was overheard at a nearby table and these two compared IQs
at 160 and were surprised that they were both brain surgeons.
At another nearby table one man despondently said to the other
"Did you hear that? I had my IQ checked and it was only 52."
The other said, rather enthusiastically, "That's a coincidence.
So is mine. What instrument do you play?"
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Irving Berlin
1888: Siberia, Leah and Moses Baline had a son, Irving who grew
up to be one of the worlds foremost composers, Irving Berlin.
The family, running from the Cossacks, came to New York. After
Moses died of overwork, Irving (Izzy) quit school at eight to
peddle newspapers, hoping to get mama a rocking chair. Izzy also
sang in saloons, accompanying himself on the black keys. But more:
A printing error on sheet music anointed him...and he became "Berlin"
The ragtime creator who composed White Christmas got mom a new
rocker (and a mansion) but continued to compose in only one key
sharp.
— contributed by Bob Turner
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Jack Benny
Jack Benny, (Benjamin Kubelsky, 1894), was given a violin at
six. But more: When he was invited to the White House, security
inquired as to what was in his case. Benny quipped it was a machine
gun. The marine smiling, said, "You can pass, then. For a
minute I thought it was your violin."
— contributed by Bob Turner
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Where do you want to go today?
Straight to hell, apparently.
The other day I saw another Microsoft commercial on TV: sublime
choral music drifts through the background as the unseen user
surfs through the Internet and various Microsoft content using
Internet Explorer. The commercial closes with the Microsoft slogan
"Where do you want to go today?" and a final, furious
blast of music.
It's a very cool effect.
But if you dig a little deeper...
As it turns out, the background music is the Dies Irae of Mozart's
Requiem Mass. And the words of the final blast of music which
accompanies "Where do you want to go today?" are actually
"confutatis maledictis, flammis acribus addictis..."
In English: "When the damned are confounded, and consigned
to sharp flames..."; which describes exactly where I want
to go today.
Unfortunately, while Explorer will take you to hell for free,
the upgrade to purgatory is pretty steep.
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Piano Player
A piano player is working a very sophisticated high class restaurant.
He is playing a Beethoven sonata. He's murdering it... notes all
over the floor. For his second number he plays a Mozart sonata.
Once again he's butchering it. The patrons are getting restless.
For his third piece, he launches into Rachmaninoff's' Second
Piano Concerto. The audience starts throwing things from the table
at him.
Finally he stops. He suddenly gets up and with great indignation
says "What's the matter with you people? I didn't write this
shit."
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Prison Quartet
"While I was preaching in a church in Mississippi, the pastor
announced that their prison quartet would be singing the following
evening. I wasn't aware there was a prison in the vicinity and
I looked forward to hearing them.
The next evening, I was puzzled when four members of the church
approached the stage. Then the pastor introduced them.
'This is our prison quartet,' he said, 'behind a few bars and
always looking for the key.'"
— Tom Stuart
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Quantas
After every flight, Quantas Airline pilots fill out a form, called
a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems
with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document
their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets
before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas'
pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. (P=
The problem logged by the pilot. S= The solution and action taken
by mechanics.)
————————————————————
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
————————————————————
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
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Philanthropy
A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz
Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the
acoustics.
He inquired of the tour guide, "Is this magnificent auditorium
named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?"
"No," replied the guide. "It is named after Sam
Moscovitz, the writer."
"Never heard of him. What did he write?"
"A check," replied the guide.
— contributed by Harry Tuft 
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A musician who's spent his whole life trying to break into the
big time is feeling very depressed. He's been turned down by every
single record company in the country, and no-one seems to recognize
his unique genius other than his Mum.
So he decides to top himself, and dreams up an ingenious plan
to get back at all the institutions who've rejected him all his
life.
He goes into a recording studio and tells the engineer to record
exactly what he says, and then copy it onto 1000 CDs, and send
them out to all the record execs in the country.
He goes into the vocal booth, the red light goes on, and he
begins;
"This is a message to all you sycophantic, talentless bastards
who've ignored me all these years. I dedicated my life to writing
beautiful, emotive, soul-touching music, and all you wankers do
is bin my tapes and sign pretty-boy bands and the Spice Girls.
Well, I've taken all I can of your puerile, shallow industry,
and it's YOU who've driven me to it!!! Bye-bye, murderers of art!!"
With that, he pulled out a gun and sprayed his brains all over
the studio wall.
The sound engineer glanced up and said "...yep,..okay -
that's fine for level. Wanna go for a take?"
— contributed by Bob Turner
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"Rock On"
"Who knew that cancer surgeon Brock Lynch would hang up
his scalpel in 1995 only to become an internationally acclaimed
singer and dancer? Lynch, 83, is a member of the Young@Heart Chorus,
a Massachusetts-based broup of high-energy retirees—ranging
in age from 71 to 89— who belt out rock, hip-hop and pop
songs around the globe. The chorus stars in the award-winning
documentary Young@Heart, opening April 9 [2008] in New York and
Los Angeles, later nationwide. Says former nurse's assistant Helen
Boston, 78, of her chorus experience: 'This is the most wonderful
thing in the world. It gave me another life.'" — "Now
Hear This / People, Trends And Ideas," AARP Bulletin, April,
2008
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Saxophone Player
A very intense, self-absorbed saxophone player is sitting at
the bar after playing all night. A beautiful woman shyly approaches
him and says, "Excuse me, I hate to intrude, but I just have
to tell you that I saw you play tonight. I have never been so
deeply affected by music before. It's like it woke up my mind
and my heart. It also woke me up as a woman. Your music touched
me so deeply that I just want to take you home with me and make
mad passionate love to you all night long."
The saxophone player stares at her for a moment and asks, "Did
you see the first set or the second set?"
— contributed by Bob Turner
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The Scottish Student
Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English
University and was living in the hall of residence with all the
other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother
came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of tatties,
salt herring, oatmeal and whisky).
"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.
"Mother," he replied, "They're such terrible, noisy people. The
one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't
stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."
"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful neighbours?"
"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. Ijust stay here calmly,
playing my bagpipes."
— Bangs Tapscott, Intermountain Acoustic Musician, March
2005
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Sholom Aleichem
Sholom Aleichem, the Yiddish Mark Twain died at 57, on May 13,
1916 in a Bronx apartment. But more: As he always numbered page
number "13" as "12a", every anniversary of
his death is observed as May "12a". His will also stipulated:
Preserve your Yiddishkeit. I don't want any monuments. If people
read my books, that will be my best monument.
— contributed by Bob Turner
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A medical student was in the morgue one day after classes, getting
a little practice in before the final exams. He went over to a
table where a body was lying face down. He removed the sheet over
the body and to his surprise he found a cork in the corpse's rectum.
Figuring this was fairly unusual, he pulled the cork out, and
to his surprise, music began playing "On the road again...
Just can't wait to get on the road again..."
The student was amazed, and placed the cork back in the rectum.
The music stopped. Totally freaked out, the student called the
Medical Examiner over to the corpse. "Look at this. This
is really something!" the student told the examiner as he
pulled the cork back out again. "On the road again... Just
can't wait to get on the road again..."
"So what?", the Medical Examiner replied, obviously
unimpressed with the student's discovery. "But isn't that
the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" asked the student.
"Are you kidding?" replied the Examiner, "Any asshole
can sing country music."
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A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday
morning. He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single
word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word
I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind.
The pastor shouted out "CROSS.." Immediately the congregation
started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS."
The pastor hollered out "GRACE." The congregation began
to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound."
The pastor said "POWER" The congregation sang "THERE
IS POWER IN THE BLOOD".
The Pastor said "SEX." The congregation fell in total
silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look
around at each other afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden,
way from in the back of the church, a little old 87 year old grandmother
stood up and began to sing "PRECIOUS MEMORIES."
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Tea for Two
Warren Covington used to have an arrangement of "Tea for
Two Cha-Cha" that had a carefully rehearsed break on the
downbeat of the 15th measure, with total silence until the beginning
of the 17th.
One night, Doug Mettome found the opening irresistible. When
the band hit the break, Doug stood up and shouted,"Pennsylvania
six, five thousand!" The rest of the band did not come back
in on the 17th bar, or anywhere else. They had all collapsed with
laughter.
— contributed by Bob Turner
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Three Girlfriends
Three girlfriends had gathered for a lunch date and of course
they started talking about the men they had been dating.
The first one said that she had been dating a banjo player but
she was a little disappointed because he always had those finger
picks on and she couldn't stand it when he touched her with those
"claws".
The next one said she had been dating a fiddle player but he
was such a nuisance because all he thought about was fiddling
around all the time.
The third one was smiling and when they asked her about it she
said she had been dating a mandolin picker. She said he was a
great guy and "Do you gals know what tremolo means?"
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Woody Guthry
In the union halls where Guthry often played one heckler shouted
out, “where we come from folks use songs like yours for
toilet paper!”
Woody is reported to have answered that he knew different types
of folks need to absorb knowledge in all sorts of creative ways.
— Daniel W. Bennett
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World's Best Drummer
A letter arrives at Gene Krupa's house addressed to, "The
World's Best Drummer." Krupa says, "This isn't for me,
I'm not the world's best drummer."
He sends it to Louie Bellson, who also refuses to open it. It
goes around to all the great drummers until it reaches Buddy Rich,
who says, '"This is for me," and opens it.
The letter begins, "Dear Ringo..."
— contributed by Bill Donaldson
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