AcousticByLines Quotes, Jokes, Stories

Quotes, Jokes, Stories

Please don't read these pages if you are easily offended.

Sample Music Contract

For you musicians contemplating GB (general business) gigs due to the obvious low income from BG (bluegrass) gigs, here's a reasonable outline of a GB contract for your prospective customers.

Dear Client: Thank you for engaging _________________ (insert ensemble's name here).

Because we know better than you, please, don't tell us what to do, play, wear, or bring.  Please, just simply pay us what we ask, in cash, and please forgo all the tedious nickel-and-diming you always try to get away with.  (You know who you are!)

We will not play outside, so don't ask.

We want to be fed.  Fed well:  the same food your 200 guests eat.  What's four more meals, really?  We will not eat sandwiches.  Especially not sandwiches on white bread.  And we want to eat at a table.  Is that too much to ask???

We are not "the help" so please do not treat us that poorly!

Before the engagement, please do not call us.  Once we have been hired, that's it...you don't need to talk to us for any other reason.

Please do not call other bands trying to compare prices.  We all cost the same.  Incidentally, we all wear the same clothes, play the same arrangements, and hire the same people, so it really makes no difference.

Do not make requests for music we don't have.  It's just way too much of a pain to cater to your tiny needs.  Find a new favorite song.  No Andrew Lloyd Webber.  Period.

No song will be transposed down a half-step so your cousin Jeannie can sing it during your candle lighting ceremony.  She's not a very good singer anyway.

Forget about The Bride Cuts the Cake, The Hokey Pokey, Alley Cat, The Chicken Dance, etc.  These are juvenile songs, we are artists, and we will not degrade ourselves.  Furthermore, there is no reason for you to act stupid in front of us.

The garter and bouquet are OK, but do not allow children under 18 years of age to participate (or 12 years old in Arkansas, Alabama and Mississippi).

Do not allow young children to make requests.  The wretched little imps are not as cute as you think they are, and nobody else wants to hear their crummy tunes anyhow.

And finally the answer is no:  you can't keep the demo tape; they aren't cheap, you know!

Thank you for using us, and DO call again!

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