AcousticByLines Quotes, Jokes, Stories

Quotes, Jokes, Stories

Please don't read these pages if you are easily offended.

Rules for Bands

  • Never be in a band with a married couple.
  • Your manager's not helping you. Fire him/her.
  • Before you sign a record deal, look up the word "recoupable" in the dictionary.
  • No one cares who you've opened for.
  • A string section does not make your songs sound any more "important."
  • If your band has gone through more than 4 bass players, it's time to break up.
  • When you talk on stage you are never funny.
  • If you sound like another band, don't act like you're unfamiliar with their music ("Oh, does Rage Against The Machine also do rap-rock with political lyrics?")
  • Asking a crowd how they're doing is just amplified small talk. Don't do it.
  • Don't say your video's being played if it's only on the Austin Music Network.
  • When you sign to a major label, claim to have inked the best contract ever. Mention "artistic freedom" and "a guaranteed 3 record deal."
  • When you get dropped insist that it was the worst contract ever and you asked to be let go.
  • Never name a song after your band.
  • Never name your band after a song.
  • When a drummer brings in his own songs and asks to perform one of them, begin looking for a new drummer IMMEDIATELY!
  • Never enter a "battle of the bands" contest. If you do you're already a loser.
  • Learn to recognize scary word pairings: "rock opera", "white rapper", "blues jam", "swing band", "open mike", etc.
  • Drummers can take off their shirts or they can wear gloves, but not both.
  • Listen, either break it to your parents or we will: it's rock 'n' roll, not a soccer game. They've gotta stop coming to your shows.
  • It's not a "showcase". It's a gig that doesn't pay.
  • No one cares that you have a web site.
  • Getting a tattoo is like sewing platform shoes to your feet.
  • Don't hire a publicist.
  • Playing in Portsmouth and Nashua doesn't mean you're on tour.
  • Don't join a cover band that plays Bush songs. In fact, don't join a cover band.
  • Although they come in different styles and colors, electric guitars all sound the same. Why do you keep changing them between songs?
  • Don't stop your set to ask that beers be brought up. That's what girlfriends are for.
  • If you use a smoke machine, your music stinks.
  • We can tell the difference between a professionally produced album cover and one you made with the iMac your mom got you for Christmas.
  • Remember: if blues solos are so difficult, why can so many 16 year olds play them?
  • If you ever take a publicity photo, destroy it. You never know where or when it will turn up.
  • Cut your hair, but do not shave your head.
  • Pierce your nose, but not your eyebrow.
  • Do not wear shorts onstage. Or a suit. Or a hat.
  • Rock oxymorons: "major label interest", "demo deal"," blues genius", "$500 guarantee", and "Fastball's second hit."
  • 3 things that are never coming back: a)gongs, b) headbands, and c) playing slide guitar with a beer bottle.

— contributed by Bob Dolan

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