Rules for Bands

• Never be in a band with a married couple.
• Your manager's not helping you. Fire him/her.
• Before you sign a record deal, look up the word "recoupable" in the dictionary.
• No one cares who you've opened for.
• A string section does not make your songs sound any more "important."
• If your band has gone through more than 4 bass players, it's time to break up.
• When you talk on stage you are never funny.
• If you sound like another band, don't act like you're unfamiliar with their music ("Oh, does Rage Against The Machine also do rap-rock with political lyrics?")
• Asking a crowd how they're doing is just amplified small talk. Don't do it.
• Don't say your video's being played if it's only on the Austin Music Network.
• When you sign to a major label, claim to have inked the best contract ever. Mention "artistic freedom" and "a guaranteed 3 record deal."
• When you get dropped insist that it was the worst contract ever and you asked to be let go.
• Never name a song after your band.
• Never name your band after a song.
• When a drummer brings in his own songs and asks to perform one of them, begin looking for a new drummer IMMEDIATELY!
• Never enter a "battle of the bands" contest. If you do you're already a loser.
• Learn to recognize scary word pairings: "rock opera", "white rapper", "blues jam", "swing band", "open mike", etc.
• Drummers can take off their shirts or they can wear gloves, but not both.
• Listen, either break it to your parents or we will: it's rock 'n' roll, not a soccer game. They've gotta stop coming to your shows.
• It's not a "showcase". It's a gig that doesn't pay.
• No one cares that you have a web site.
• Getting a tattoo is like sewing platform shoes to your feet.
• Don't hire a publicist.
• Playing in Portsmouth and Nashua doesn't mean you're on tour.
• Don't join a cover band that plays Bush songs. In fact, don't join a cover band.
• Although they come in different styles and colors, electric guitars all sound the same. Why do you keep changing them between songs?
• Don't stop your set to ask that beers be brought up. That's what girlfriends are for.
• If you use a smoke machine, your music stinks.
• We can tell the difference between a professionally produced album cover and one you made with the iMac your mom got you for Christmas.
• Remember: if blues solos are so difficult, why can so many 16 year olds play them?
• If you ever take a publicity photo, destroy it. You never know where or when it will turn up.
• Cut your hair, but do not shave your head.
• Pierce your nose, but not your eyebrow.
• Do not wear shorts onstage. Or a suit. Or a hat.
• Rock oxymorons: "major label interest", "demo deal"," blues genius", "$500 guarantee", and "Fastball's second hit."
• 3 things that are never coming back: a)gongs, b) headbands, and c) playing slide guitar with a beer bottle.

— contributed by Bob Dolan

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 AcousticByLines
Colorado Sandstorm Productions