Things Every "Fan" Should
Know
by David Booker
BAND CLAIRVOYANCE:
When requesting a song from the band, just say "play my song!"
We have chips implanted in our heads with an unlimited database of the
favorite tunes of every patron who ever walked into a bar and all songs
ever recorded, so feel free to be vague, we love the challenge. If we
say we really don't remember that tune you want, we're only kidding.
Bands do know every song ever recorded, so keep humming. Hum harder
if need be—it helps jog the memory, or just keep repeating your request
over and over again. If a band tells you they do not know a song you
want to hear, they either forgot that they know the tune or they are
just putting you on. Try singing a few words for the band. Any words
will do.
It also helps to scream your request from across the room several times
per set followed by the phrases, "AW COME ON!" and, "YOU
SUCK!" Exaggerated hand gestures expressing disapproval from the
dance floor are a big help as well, such as the thumbs down or your
middle finger. Put-downs are the best way to jog a band's memory. This
instantly promotes you to the status of "Personal Friend Of The
Band." You can bet your request will be the next song we play.
Entertainers are notorious fakers and jokesters and never really prepare
for their shows. They simply walk on stage with no prior thought to
what they will do once they arrive. We don't actually make set lists
or rehearse songs. We mostly just wait for you to yell something out,
then fake it. An entertainer's job is so easy, even a monkey could do
it, so don't let them off the hook easily. Your request is all that
matters.
Once you've figured out what genre of music the band plays, please
make your requests from a totally different genre. The more exaggerated
the better. If its a blues band playing, yell for some Metallica or
Slayer or Pantera. Likewise, if its a death-speed metal band, be sure
to request Brown-eyed Girl or some Grateful Dead. Musicians need to
constantly broaden their musical horizons, and its your job to see that
it happens—immediately.
TALKING WITH THE BAND:
The best time to discuss anything with the band in any meaningful way
is at the middle of a song when all band members are singing at the
same time. Our hearing is so advanced that we can pick out your tiny
voice from the megawatt wall of sound blasting all around us. And we
can converse with you in sign language while singing the song, so don't
worry that we're in the middle of the chorus.
Musicians are expert lip readers too. If a musician does not reply
to your question or comment during a tune, it's because they didn't
get a good look at your mouth in order to read your lips. Simply continue
to scream your request and be sure to over emphasize the words with
your lips. This helps immensely. Don't be fooled. Singers have the innate
ability to answer questions and sing at the same time. If the singer
doesn't answer your questions immediately, regardless of how stupid
the question may seem, it's because they are purposely ignoring you.
If this happens, immediately cop an attitude. We love this.
IMPORTANT:
When an entertainer leans over to hear you better, grab his or her
head in both hands and yell directly into their ear, while holding their
head securely so they cannot pull away. This will be taken as an invitation
to a friendly and playful game of tug of war between their head and
your hands. Don't give up! Hang on until the singer or guitar player
submits. Drummers are often safe from this fun game since they usually
sit in the back, protected by the guitar players. Keyboard players are
protected by their instrument, and only play the game when tricked into
coming out from behind their keyboards. Though difficult to get them
to play, it's not impossible, so keep trying. They're especially vulnerable
during the break between songs.
HELPING THE BAND:
If you inform the band that you are a singer, the band will appreciate
your help with the next few tunes, or however long you can remain standing
on stage. If you're too drunk to stand unassisted, simply lean on one
of the band members or the most expensive piece of equipment you see.
Just pretend you're in a Karaoke bar. Simply feel free to walk up on
stage and join in. By the way, the drunker you are, the better you sound,
and the louder you should sing.
If by chance you fall off the stage, be sure to crawl back up and attempt
to sing harmony. Keep in mind that nothing assists the band more than
outrageous dancing, fifth and sixth part harmonies, or a tambourine
played out of tempo. Try the cowbell; they love the challenge. The band
always needs the help and will take this as a compliment. Finally, the
microphone and PA system are merely props, they don't really amplify
your voice, so when you grab the mic out of the singers hand be sure
to scream into it at the top of your lungs, otherwise no one will hear
what a great singer you are. Hearing is over-rated anyhow, and the crowd
and the sound guy will love you for it.
BONUS TIP:
As a last resort, wait until the band takes a break and then get on
stage and start playing their instruments. They love this. Even if you
are ejected from the club, you can rest assured in the fact that you
have successfully completed your audition. The band will call you immediately
the following day to offer you a position. See you at the next gig.
contributed by 
Mark Merryman
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