AcousticByLines Quotes, Jokes, Stories

Quotes, Jokes, Stories

Please don't read these pages if you are easily offended.

Things You'd Love to Say at a Jam, But Shouldn't

  • "I can explain this to you; I can't comprehend it for you." — NYC Mayor Ed Koch
  • "I've been called worse things by better men." — Pierre Trudeau, after hearing that Richard Nixon called him an asshole
  • Do I need to fall asleep while I'm listening to you? "No, it's purely voluntary." — Winston Churchill
  • "I'm probably not listening to you."
  • "I tried to be good but I got bored."
  • "I decided to put myself in charge."
  • "Have you all gone mad or is this the Post Office?"
  • "10 years of practice uninterrupted by progress."
  • "If you can't walk on water, don't criticize my break."
  • "Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them."
  • "The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong."
  • "I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." — Stephen Bishop
  • "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." — Irvin S. Cobb
  • "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." — Forrest Tucker, contributed by Founders: Bands, Singers, Songwriters, Solo Performers, Sidemen, Instrumentalists, Performers, Entertainers, Musicians, Places to Hear Acoustic Music, Locations, Venues, Clubs, Festivals, Business and Services Supporting Acoustic Music, Music Stores, Musical Instruments, Music Teachers Bob Turner Bob Turner: Bands, Singers, Songwriters, Solo Performers, Sidemen, Instrumentalists, Performers, Entertainers, Musicians
  • "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." — John Bright
  • If it weren't for coffee, he'd have no personality whatsoever. — Stuart Tarbuck
  • "You play it best, when you play nothing at all." — Jewel Cobb
  • "That grace note was not as graceful as it could have been." — Founders: Bands, Singers, Songwriters, Solo Performers, Sidemen, Instrumentalists, Performers, Entertainers, Musicians, Places to Hear Acoustic Music, Locations, Venues, Clubs, Festivals, Business and Services Supporting Acoustic Music, Music Stores, Musical Instruments, Music Teachers Ernie Martinez Ernie Martinez: Bands, Singers, Songwriters, Solo Performers, Sidemen, Instrumentalists, Performers, Entertainers, Musicians
  • "You played that to a T. Unfortunately, we weren't playing in the key of T." — Harry Bruckner, contributed by J.C. at Acoustic Music Revival
  • He's got the Midas touch...everything he touches turns into a muffler. — Bangs Tapscott, Intermountain Acoustic Musician, August 2005
  • Everything is always okay in the end, if it's not, then it's not the end. So, this song can't possibly be over yet.
  • A jam is what you make of it... kinda like Play-Doh only with strings.
  • Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a gift. Today, the key to this song is a mystery.
  • Pain and suffering are inevitable but misery is a bad jam.
  • If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
  • If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody yet.
  • If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
  • He who hesitates is probably off the beat.
  • The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble. What's your middle name?
  • The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. I've never been good at resisting temptation.
  • "He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." — Robert Redford
    "But not as bright" — Founders: Bands, Singers, Songwriters, Solo Performers, Sidemen, Instrumentalists, Performers, Entertainers, Musicians, Places to Hear Acoustic Music, Locations, Venues, Clubs, Festivals, Business and Services Supporting Acoustic Music, Music Stores, Musical Instruments, Music Teachers Sandy Reay Sandy Reay: Bands, Singers, Songwriters, Solo Performers, Sidemen, Instrumentalists, Performers, Entertainers, Musicians
  • "Thank you for sending me a copy of your [CD]; I'll waste no time [listening to] it." — Moses Hadas originally, before paraphrase
  • "A graceful taunt is worth a thousand insults." — Louis Nizer
  • "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." — Winston Churchill
  • "A modest little person, with much to be modest about." — Winston Churchill
  • "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." — Clarence Darrow
  • "He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." — Samuel Johnson
  • "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." — Paul Keating
  • "He had delusions of adequacy." — Walter Kerr
  • "There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." — Jack E. Leonard
  • "He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." — Abraham Lincoln
  • "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." — Groucho Marx
  • "They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." — Thomas Brackett Reed
  • "He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them." — James Reston
  • "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" — Mark Twain
  • "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." — Mae West
  • "She is a peacock in everything but beauty." — Oscar Wilde
  • "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." — Oscar Wilde
  • "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." — Oscar Wilde
  • "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." — Billy Wilder
  • Get the lead out. I know people with less fingers who can play faster than that.
  • "That was extraordinary. Unfortunately, extraordinarily bad." — Simon Cowell, American Idol
  • He's a walking storeroom of licks..... He's just lost the key to the storeroom door.
  • If he went to the hospital, "satisfactory condition" would be "dead".
  • Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
  • He who hesitates is probably off the beat.
  • If you can't be kind, try to have the decency to be vague.
  • Scientists crossed a lollipop with a rabbit and now there's a sucker born every minute.
  • Hey, we got the pick of the litter.
  • Now I know why some animals eat their young.
  • Oh, oblique passing tones I've hated. — Jim Ratts of Runaway Express Runaway Express: Bands, Singers, Songwriters / Composers, Solo Performers, Sidemen, Instrumentalists, Performers, Entertainers, Musicians, Cowboy Poets
  • It's a perfectly legitimate bad choice. — Jim Ratts of Runaway Express Runaway Express: Bands, Singers, Songwriters / Composers, Solo Performers, Sidemen, Instrumentalists, Performers, Entertainers, Musicians, Cowboy Poets
  • We're all dysfunctional — get over it.
  • Mean people kick ass.
  • Aha! A reason to form a partnership for an idiot-free America.
  • Everybody has the right to make mistakes, but sometimes I think you abuse the privelege. — Duke Brown
  • He doesn't have all his noodles in the soup. — Duke Brown
  • All the monkeys you see aren't always in the zoo. — Duke Brown
  • Insanity is his only means of relaxation.
  • His mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
  • Sometimes he thinks he understands everything, then he regains consciousness.
  • The man on the t.v. told you to stay tuned, didn't he?
  • You did your own thing, and now it's too late to undo it.
  • Maybe you'll change the lock on your door and be unable to get out.
  • Maybe you'll come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
  • Does your train of thought have a caboose?
  • Don't interfere with something that ain't bothering you none.
  • The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swallow.
  • You're {*}, aren't you? —- {*} choose one of the following:
    • a few crumbs shy of a crouton
    • a few clowns short of a circus
    • a few fries short of a Happy Meal
    • an experiment in Artificial Stupidity
    • a few beers short of a six-pack
    • one Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl
    • a few feathers short of a whole duck
    • all foam, no beer
    • body by Fisher, brains by Mattel
    • missing a few buttons on your remote control
    • not the sharpest knife in the drawer
    • not the brightest crayon in the box
  • Your elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor, does it?
  • You don't have all your dogs on one leash.
  • Your chimney's clogged.
  • Did you fall out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down?
  • You couldn't pour water out of a boot if the instructions were printed on the heel.
  • The wheel's spinning, but the hamster is dead.
  • You couldn't find your ass with both hands tied behind your back.
  • If I look in your ear, will I see light?
  • The doorbell works, but nobody's home.
  • Did anyone ever call you a smart aleck? I didn't think so.
  • If you had another brain, it would be lonely.
  • Did you forget to pay your brain bill?
  • Make yourself at home: clean the kitchen.
  • How do I set an electronic tuner to stun?
  • Chaos, panic, and disorder - your work here is done.
  • And your crybaby whiny-ass opinion would be...?
  • Whatever kind of break you were going for, you missed.
  • Do I look like a people person?
  • I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
  • I see you're out of your mind, so I'll just leave a message.
  • When all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
  • Will Rogers had some good advice: Never miss a good chance to shut up.
  • The first essential for leadership is a group of dumb guys to follow you.
  • Try not to let your mind wander. It is too small to be out by itself.
  • Your ridiculous little break has been noted.
  • Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
  • The proctologist called: they found your head.
  • Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
  • Why is there always one in every crowd?
  • Will Rogers never met you, did he? — Duke Brown
  • You're not a complete lunatic: some parts are missing.
  • Earth is full. Go home.
  • Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
  • Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
  • You - Off my planet.
  • I'm trying to imagine you with talent.
  • How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
  • Can I trade this jam for what's behind door #2?
  • Is it time for your medication or mine?
  • Don't cry because it's over: cry because it happened.
  • You know what I like about that break? Nothing.
  • So many tunes, so little mind.
  • Banjos are to music as spam is to food.
  • He can't hear you, he's playing his banjo. His brain's been disconnected.
  • Play Bluegrass lite! One third fewer notes! Less picking! Sounds great!
  • Second verse, same as the first. A little bit faster and a little bit worse.
  • Some people call it Cripple Creek — but they're wrong.
  • Do people pay you to play or pay you to stop?
  • Was it in tune when you bought it?
  • I'd love to hear you play ... in traffic.
  • It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
  • It IS easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
  • Since our last jam, you've reached rockbottom and started to dig.
  • I would follow you anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
  • I would not allow you to breed.
  • You're really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be.
  • You would be out of your depth in a parking lot puddle.
  • When you open your mouth, it seems that it's only to change feet.
  • You set low personal standards and then consistently fail to achieve them.
  • You should go far—and the sooner, the better.
  • You are depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
  • I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
  • I don't have a big ego, I'm way too cool for that.
  • Save Your Breath... You'll need it to blow up your date!
  • I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
  • How long a minute is depends on whose break it is.
  • Home is where you can play anything you like, 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.
  • I see your IQ test results were negative.
  • If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets.
  • How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?
  • Boldly going nowhere.
  • You! Out of the gene pool!
  • It's been lovely but I have to scream now.
  • Hurry up! You're break is almost over.
  • Go home and practice.
  • I can see your point, but I still think you are full of shit.
  • I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.
  • How about never? Is never good for you?
  • I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
  • I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
  • I'll try being nicer if you will try being more talented.
  • .Ahhh....I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
  • I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
  • You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
  • I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
  • I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
  • Thank you, we are all refreshed and challenged by your unique arrangement .
  • The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you are an artist.
  • Any connection between your concept of rhythm and reality is purely coincidental.
  • What am I? Flypaper for freaks?
  • I'm not rude. You're just talentless.
  • If I throw a stick, will you leave?
  • Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
TOP

AcousticByLines

Acoustic Music Events, Performers, Venues, and Businesses