And God Created the Wedding Combo
And so in the dark of night the Lord awoke Noah, and spake unto him, "Noah, awake and heed my words!"
And Noah, being sore afraid and disoriented, did cry out, "Who goeth there?" And the Lord did smite him upside the head, saying, "It is the Lord of all things, you dummy!"
And Noah did tremble, saying, "Lord, why hath thou wakened me?" And the Lord sayeth, "Noah, ye shall build me a Jobbing Band. For the Earth will be visited by a plague of Brides, followed by forty days of Trade Shows and forty nights of Awards Banquets."
And Noah sayeth, "Command me, Lord." And the Lord sayeth, "First, thou must find me a Leader."
And Noah replyeth, "But Lord, may not I be thy Leader?" And the Lord did smite him again, saying, "Fool, thou will be my Contractor. Ask not why!"
And Noah did bow his head, saying, "Yes, my Lord. And what will this Leader play?" And the Lord sayeth, "It mattereth not whether he play or not, nor whether he shall be proficient, for his job shall be merely to talk to the Bride and her Mother, and to deal with the Client, and to count off Tempos wrongly, and to inquire as to whether the Overtime will happen, and to attempt to segue tunes that should not be segued. If he playeth any instrument, thou must always have another player of that instrument on the band, just to be safe."
And Noah sayeth, "And what else shall this Leader do?" And the Lord replyeth, "It shall be his job to spread bad information and confusion amongst the Sidemen, and to pit them one against the other, and to delay all payments. Further shall it be his job, until we can afford a Soundman, to create Feedback, and to invent new Equalization Curves therefore."
And Noah did shake his head in wonder, saying, "Lord, mysterious are thy ways. What more shall I do?" And the Lord sayeth, "Next, find me a Rhythm Section. First, find me a Drummer. And Three Things above all else, must this Drummer possess."
And Noah did ask, "What are these Three Things? Double Bass Drums? An Electronic Kit? Congas?" And once again the Lord did smite Noah, saying, "Second-guess me not, my servant. First, this Drummer must have slightly imperfect time, so that whenever he playeth a Fill (and he shall play many), he always emergeth at a different place, sometimes early and sometimes late, but thou may not guess which. And second, he must be Supremely Discontent, always seeking that Big Break which will lead to him playing with Chick Corea or Madonna, so that he despiseth Jobbing. And third, he must always be convinced of his Righteousness in all things, including Time, Volume, Tempo and Feel, so that he argueth always with the Bass Player."
And Noah sayeth, "As you command, Lord. And what next?" And the Lord sayeth, "Thou art learning, Noah. Next shall be the Bass Player. And she shall be Bored. That is all."
And Noah sayeth, "Of course. And next, my Lord?" "Next ye shall find a Piano Player. And he shall play as if he has twenty fingers, and he shall play Substitute upon Substitute, until no man may name the Chord, and he will not be helpful. Furthermore, he shall always show up Late. And he shall perpetually try out New Gear, of which he has no knowledge."
And Noah did wonder aloud, "Lord, Great is thy Wisdom!" "Next shall be the Guitar Player. And he shall be a Rock Guitar Player. And he shall be Loud, and he shall sing 'Old Time Rock n' Roll'. Also shall he know not The Page, and so shall rely upon his Ears, which will have been previously damaged by exposure to High Sound Pressure Levels. For only Guitarists who Read shall play Shows, and make the Great Shekel. And his tux shall be the Rattiest."
And Noah sayeth, "It shall be done." And the Lord sayeth, "Next thou shall need Horns. First shall be the Saxophones. And they shall be Be-boppers. And they shall play their Bird Quotes in every song, yea, even the Celine Dion ballad. And they shall Get High on every break, and make the Long Faces all night long, but especially when In The Mood is called. Next shall be the Trumpeters. And they shall every one attempt to take everything Up an Octave, but frequent will be their failure. And of Changes? They shall know nothing. And finally shall be the Trombone Player. And many jokes will be made about him, for he will have a Beeper, as well as a Day Job, and he will always be the first to be Cut from the Band."
And Noah, taking many notes, sayeth, "Mighty is the Lord!" "Next shall be the String Players. Find me Three Women, and attach Pickups to their Violins that are more ancient even than Myself, so that their instruments screecheth and causeth great pain. And their job shall be to dress in Evening Gowns, and to Fake Parts on all Ballads, and to occasionally Stroll, and to complain about the Volume, and the Intonation, and to impede the Swing."
And Noah sayeth, "What else can be left, Lord?" And the Lord sayeth, "Finally, find me the Singers. And they shall be Three, one a Male, and two Females. And the Male shall be a Strutting Peacock, with the Rock 'N' Roll Hair, and he shall never have to wear The Tuxedo, and also shall he play The Harmonica. And of the Females, one shall be Black and one shall be White. And the Black one shall always sing the Aretha songs, and the Disco. And the White one shall always sing the Power Ballads, and the Country Songs. But both shall share the Motown Medley, and shall sing Backup for the Male, and forget the Words, and be Late, and know nothing of Keys or Form. And they shall leave every gig immediately, carrying not any piece of Equipment. And they shall be paid many more shekels than the Sidemen. Ask not why."
nd Noah sayeth, "As Thou sayest, my Lord." And the Lord did command him, "Search high and low for these, as not every musician can fulfill these requirements. And though as yet ye have No Work, yet ye shall secure a Commitment from All. And while you're at it, you'd better start looking for Subs."
And Noah sayeth, "Lord, thy will be done."
And it was.